DEAR DEIDRE: EARLY in our relationship, my partner seemed like the ideal boyfriend – loving, affectionate and caring.
But since we’ve moved in together, he’s become an entirely different person.
He doesn’t like being touched so sex is miserable, and he lies compulsively – even about the smallest things, like whether he ate the last chocolate.
I’m 28 and he’s 30.
When we met, my partner claimed to have had several relationships and to have slept with over 50 women.
It turns out that was part of a fabricated identity, which he constructed in order to impress me.
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In reality, he has barely dated and has intimacy issues.
He doesn’t like kissing me and complains if I try to hug or kiss him. In bed, I have to do all the work.
He also tells so many little white lies that it’s hard to know what’s true. For example, I honestly don’t care if he accidentally broke a cup and threw it away, but he’ll lie and say he has no idea where the cup is.
It makes it hard to trust him about anything.
I’m starting to realise he has a lot of issues from his childhood, and I do sympathise, but that doesn’t excuse his behaviour.
Sometimes, he turns his back on me when I’m trying to talk to him, or throws a tantrum if I disagree with him.
He never takes me out anywhere or makes any effort to show he cares. I feel unloved.
He’s not the man I thought he was, but I still love him. Can our relationship be saved?
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: If your partner had a turbulent childhood, he may well have adopted the habit of lying to avoid confrontation.
Try to reassure him by calmly talking through any concerns with him. Explain his behaviour unsettles you and makes you question if you can trust him.
Explain you feel unloved and are deeply unhappy.
Unless something changes, then you are only going to feel increasingly miserable.
Give him my support pack, Abused As A child, and ask him to consider getting help with his issues.
It’s also important for you to ask yourself why you want to stay with someone who has deceived you. My support pack, Addictive Love, may be helpful.
You should both think about having counselling. Contact Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org).
