GETTING into bed, I carefully arrange the pillow barricade down the centre of the mattress – I need to keep my husband Harry, 46, firmly on his side of the bed. I hate it when he rolls over on to me and gets in my face.
To be honest he’s lucky he’s in the bed at all.
My preferred sleeping companion is our five-year-old daughter Lily* – she’s quiet, she doesn’t wriggle and always smells lovely.
I often think of an excuse to oust Harry from the marital bed in her favour. He’s been out late, he’s got a cough, Lily’s not feeling the best, are all ‘reasons’ I’ve slept with Lily instead of him in the last month.
Our sex life was confined to rare weekends away up until recently – now I’ve chosen to resurrect it, but only because I’m feeling broody and want a sibling for Lily.
I find it astonishing that my priorities have changed so much.
Harry was the centre of my world, now I love her more than him and he knows it.
And it turns out science supports what I’ve known since the moment my daughter was born – parents ‘love’ their kids more than their partners.
Researchers who looked at brain activity in response to feelings of affection discovered that children got the strongest response and also activated most regions within the brain.
I men Harry met ten years ago on a night out in Manchester, where we live, and I was besotted from the start.
I found him hilarious, he was fun to be around and sporty which I find attractive – our sex life was phenomenal.
And I’d do anything for him, I even enjoyed making him elaborate packed lunches with his favourite ham and cheese baguette and delivering it to the PR office where he works.
We got married eight years ago and three years on I fell pregnant with Lily.
The first glimpse that he wasn’t going to step up to the plate was during my three-day labour.
While Harry adores Lily he wasn’t as willing as me to put her first.”
Helen Bury*
On the second day he left the hospital to meet a mate and have some ‘decent’ food and a pint – I was nil by mouth, starving, in a lot of pain and very hurt that he thought it was fine to leave me because doctors said the birth wasn’t imminent.
When Lily was born, I was overcome by a rush of love that I’ve never experienced before and knew that I’d throw myself in front of a bullet to save her.
I can’t say I’d do the same for Harry – after all a kid needs her mum.
It swiftly became apparent that while Harry adores Lily he wasn’t as willing as me to put her first.
He’s carried on with his life as normal – he’s yet to miss watching his beloved Manchester United play a match, have a day off from his gym schedule, or skip a night out with the boys.
Meanwhile I’ve stepped up to the plate, the thought of going to the gym is laughable – I’m far too tired.
Not just physically but with the mental load of juggling my job in HR and looking after Lily.
The responsibility of having a child made me grow up. Harry still hasn’t.
His little ways that I used to find funny or at worst mildly irritating now leave me gritting my teeth in fury.
When he comes up behind me to tickle me while I’m unloading the dishwasher, it no longer turns into a play fight, I swat him away.
He says I’ve lost my sense of humour, I say I’m too tired to find it funny after I’ve had to clear away his countless dirty coffee cups and plates.
I can’t just ignore them and however much I tell him it’s not on, he ignores me. I’ve grown weary of the battle.
Ditto, the bristles all over the bathroom after he’s used his electric razor. He’s a grown man and should notice these things.
I feel he just makes my life more difficult – I’ve got Lily to look after who needs me to do things for her, and then Harry, who’s more than capable of looking after himself, but is still a baby who wants me to do it all – he’s an older, smellier, male version of Lily!
On the rare occasions I make him a packed lunch, I’ll slap a bit of ham between two slices of bread, resentfully.
For Lily nothing is too much trouble.
I have bento boxes for her and I will lovingly cut sandwiches into hearts or stars, and slice up her grapes.
I’ll always cook her favourite meals too and eat with her.
Her current favourite is macaroni cheese with bacon bits.
Harry doesn’t like it, but I’ll leave him a portion to heat up if he isn’t home when Lily and I eat together.
I won’t let Harry use my toothbrush if he’s forgotten his while we’re away – it would smell of his breath… But with Lily it would be fine”
Helen Bury*
If he learnt to cook I’d be more inclined to make him his favourites, as it is I ordered Gousto so he could learn and he even managed to mess up their step by step instructions.
The other day we went to a café and I ordered waffles with cream, Lily chose a sausage baguette.
She ate half, then spied my waffles and wanted them – it was no problem.
She ended up having two breakfasts, I got half of a mangled baguette. There’s no way I’d share my food with Harry.
Integrative Psychotherapist Nicola Saunders says:
“When we have a baby, women often take maternity leave and often [take on] a lot of the heavy lifting of the domestic duties and we get into a bit of a routine.
“For a year or so, the dynamic within our family relationships and our couple relationship has shifted and changed.
“When women start to think about going back to work it’s really important that conversations are had about who is going to start to pick up the slack.
“One of the big signs [of a problem] is when the intimacy starts to drop off.
“This can be really problematic. What’s really important is that communication starts to come in right at the very beginning.
“If you’re starting to look at your partner and think to yourself, ‘God, he’s like one of the children’, talk to him about it.
“Have that conversation because he can’t do anything about it unless you communicate with him.
“And vice versa – if you’re finding that your wife is speaking to you like a child, or you feel like she’s treating you like one of the children, communicate about this.
“If there are any problems and you are struggling to communicate, then get some help, get some professional help from a therapist.”
In fact there’s a lot that I’d share with Lily – I won’t let Harry use my toothbrush if he’s forgotten his while we’re away – it would smell of his breath.
But with Lily it would be fine.
When he goes away it feels like a holiday, I put fresh sheets on the bed and relish the fact it will only be me in the bed or Lily too if she wants to share.
When I do change the sheets while he’s around, I make him have a bath in my bubble bath, so they aren’t tarnished with his smell.
It’s all little things, but they illustrate exactly where my priorities lie.
For a long time we rarely had sex – which had been an important and fulfilling part of our relationship.
Now I’m too tired and ‘touched’ out. Though I’m broody at the moment so we have started having sex again at the right time of the month.
We’ve discussed it, we both want another child and I think he’s just grateful sex is back on the table.
I find Lily fascinating in every way. I love watching her sing and dance, Harry sometimes joins in and it gives me the ick.
He isn’t a small child, he’s a grown man and should act like one.
I do talk to him and he’ll change his ways for a bit and try to be more considerate but he’ll soon slip back into his slobby habits.
Having said all of this, I want our marriage to work.
I still love Harry and I still sometimes fancy him – particularly when he’s spruced up and has been helpful all day.
I think we can get back our buzz once I’m not so tired – though if I succeed in getting pregnant that might be a while off.
And I’m comforted by knowing my friends are all in the same boat.
When I can escape for brunch with the girls, it inevitably turns into a bitching session about our husbands and how annoying they are.
Surely we can’t all end up in the divorce courts?
*Name has been changed.
