Celebs Go Dating returned for its 13th series last week and with it, the straight-talking Dr Tara Suwinyattichaiporn.
The American sexpert shot to fame in the UK when she joined the E4 dating agency last year, and with almost 2.3 million fans across Instagram and TikTok, a quick scroll reveals nothing is off-limits.
“I speak about sex in a very empowering, unapologetic way,” Dr Tara says. “Perhaps people find it refreshing that something so natural can be treated as such, and not taboo.”
Before advising celebrities and delivering sex education to global audiences, Dr Tara was a university professor specialising in sexual communication, and she knows what lies at the core of a flourishing sex life at every stage of life – not least once kids come into the picture.
As many parents will attest, after having children, your sex life can be hanging on for dear life, battling a lack of time, lack of confidence and lack of interest
“The most common problem I see is boredom, or people who are no longer sexually attracted to their partner. The love is still there, because you wouldn’t put in the work if it wasn’t,” she says.
Notepads at the ready…
After kids, your body may feel and look unrecognisable to you. “There is definitely a group of women struggling with body image after giving birth, and it’s a huge factor contributing to sexual self-esteem, which is one of the most important concepts that’s rarely talked about,”
Dr Tara says. “When you have high sexual self-esteem, you often communicate your desires and express pleasure more. You tend to not fake orgasms.”
The words we repeat to ourselves hugely influence our outlook, so Dr Tara recommends using positive affirmations, such as: “I love my body, I have amazing sexual energy, I love my partner and our sexual connection,” to boost your self-esteem.
“This can be effective in changing your mindset over time. Use affirmations for at least two weeks and you’ll notice a difference.”
An app such as Unique Daily Affirmations or I Am, or Post-It notes around your home, can help, too.
Dr Tara also has free sexual meditation guides on YouTube. “It focuses on sexual sensations – massaging your pubic area, inner thighs and connecting to your breathing,” she says.
When you’re caring for children, working and doing household chores, “couple time” can seem like a lost memory, but Dr Tara has three tips to help.
The first is to schedule sex. “People say it is unnatural. But sex is natural. If you don’t like the scheduling part, get over it!”
Put it in your phone calendar for when the kids are at their grandparents’ or a sleepover. Second, don’t let date nights occur by chance.
“Plan dates and staycations without the kids, as these are extremely important to maintain sexual connection and romance, even if it doesn’t involve sex.”
Third, fit in quickies. “Try sexting during the day, or explore ways to have foreplay outside the bedroom, even just sensually touching each other,” she says.
To feel sexually connected to your partner, you don’t need to have penetrative sex.
When was the last time you wrote a love letter? It’s a dying art, but can be modernised. “Text your partner a paragraph about how much you love and appreciate them,” says Dr Tara.
“These kind of things create a loving and sexually connected atmosphere and without them, your relationship can become quite dry.”
Secondly, bring touch back into the relationship. “When people are not touched for a long time, they can be what psychologists call ‘touch starved’,” she says.
“You not only have lower feelings of happiness, joy and satisfaction in your relationship, but lower self-esteem, because it feels like you’re not receiving enough affection.
Prioritise giving your partner affectionate touch, whether it’s holding hands while watching TV or giving each other a long hug every time you come home.”
If the kids are now teenagers and at home less, you likely have more time and privacy for sex – but maybe you’re now lacking the desire.
You don’t need to jump into threesomes, sex parties or role play (unless you want to!).
Dr Tara recommends “add-ons” to your usual moves. “Maybe you’re having sex in doggy position, which is part of your usual sexual repertoire, but now try adding a vibrator.
Maybe you don’t like the idea of anal sex, but you could try adding some lube and massaging the anus – anatomically, it is built for pleasure.”
Dr Tara also says a lot of her followers have raved about the “fast and feasting” practice. “People take quick kisses from their partner for granted, but for seven days you avoid touching each other at all,” she explains.
“Then for the next seven days, you commit to sex feasting. Do something sexual every day, whether it be mutual masturbation, oral sex or reading erotica together.
This process is surprisingly effective. What’s sexy for people is their spouse committing to something that brings them closer.”
If you’ve tried all the above, the best thing to do is have an honest chat with your partner.
“It’s important to sit them down and say: ‘Hey, listen, it’s not about you. It’s about what I’m going through and I just don’t currently have a high sex drive,’” Dr Tara advises.
Causes of low sex drive include stress, anxiety, depression, medication and birth control. “Your partner can give you time, knowing it’s not forever.”
But if your sex drive won’t match your partner’s no matter what you do, don’t feel bad about it. “If you have a low sexual desire, empower your partner to masturbate,” Dr Tara advises.
“Masturbation is healthy – and not just for men.”
Best position for pleasure?
Lifted missionary (place a cushion under your bum).
How much sex is normal?
Research shows people who have sex once a week report higher levels of sexual satisfaction.
How to switch to “lover mode”?
De-stress with deep breathing.
Essentials for a quickie?
Lube, and lots of it.
How to talk to kids about sex?
Say: “Mum and Dad need some time alone in the bedroom to connect.”
