DEAR DEIDRE: After 20 years of marriage, I’ve learned that my husband and his family lied to me about his health diagnosis. I’m so angry.
He claimed he first had symptoms of MS after we got married. But, in fact, everyone except me knew he’d had symptoms – and a diagnosis – years before.
I’ve become his carer, and I feel I’ve been taken advantage of.
I’m 50 and my husband is 52. We have one son, who is 16.
When we first met, he was often tired and told me he was recovering from a virus.
About a year later, he was suddenly unable to walk. He went to see a neurologist and said he’d been diagnosed with MS.
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By then, we were in love and had moved in together. I said I’d always be there for him, whatever happened.
He recovered for a while but had several relapses over the years.
About 10 years ago, he started to get much worse. He’s now in a wheelchair and needs everything done for him.
Then, last week, his brother accidentally let it slip that he’d been diagnosed when he was 28 – three years before we met.
Everyone had kept this a secret. They didn’t think it was their place to tell me.
I am furious and don’t know how to deal with this. It feels like I’ve been living a lie.
I would probably still have married him had I known about his diagnosis when we met, but I feel I had a right to know the truth.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: You’ve been deceived for two decades, by your husband and his family.
It’s not surprising that you feel you’ve been taken advantage of, and your trust has been broken.
Perhaps he didn’t tell you because he was scared you wouldn’t want him, but that is no excuse.
Ask him to be honest about his reasons and make it clear to him how angry you are.
It would be helpful for you to talk through the legal ramifications of this with a solicitor, as there may be grounds for an annulment, if this is what you want.
However, do think about the effect of this on your son, who is an innocent victim in this.
Talking to a counsellor would also be a very good idea. See my support pack about Counselling.
