WITH more than two million stepmums in the UK, it is estimated that one in three children born will end up in a blended family. But what happens if you cannot get on with your partner’s kids?
A 37-year-old woman tells Mel Fallowfield why she wishes she never had to see her step-children again.
My youngest stepchild Harry sits sulking at the table refusing to eat his chicken nuggets.
They are his favourite but he won’t put them near his mouth because I’ve cooked them.
I grit my teeth. It’s one of many ways that he knows he can get under my skin. I walk out of the room, determined not to rise to the bait.
This isn’t my first rodeo — it is a war I’ve fought thousands of times since I married his dad, Matt, 42, who works in marketing, three years ago.
Harry and his sister, Sara, 13, stay with us 50 per cent of the time — one week on and one week off — and I dread the weeks when they’re here with every fibre of my being.
While I adore my own daughter, Louise, aged eight, my only child from a previous relationship who lives with us full-time, being a stepmum has to be the worst job on Earth.
While Harry loves to tell me nobody wants me around, Sara’s been giving me the silent treatment for several months. She hasn’t so much as said “hello” to me for the whole of August.
They’re rude, loud, filthy and never clean up after themselves. They won’t even put their plates in the dishwasher and tell me to do it because “it’s a woman’s job”.
They swear loudly around Lousie and the other day I head Harry call me the C-word to his sister, because I asked him to put his shoes in the hallway.
I pretended I hadn’t heard, I don’t have the strength any more.
Harry in particular gets very angry, he punched his laptop last month when it took too long to update. That sort of aggression frightens me.
And they deliberately try to wind me up. The other day I was settled on the sofa and when I went to the loo, I got back to find Harry in my place.
It sounds like a small thing, but when it happens repeatedly and you know it’s to annoy you it’s soul-destroying.
I bought myself some special brie earlier this summer as a treat and Harry ate it all in one go right in front of me — and I know he doesn’t even like it.
I also have special chocolate bars for when I’m on a diet that I’m allowed once a week — and he and Sara will find them and eat them like it’s an Easter egg hunt.
When they leave at the end of the week it feels as though the house breathes a sigh of relief.
I realise teens and tweens can be difficult, but this is over and above.
And the bottom line is they aren’t mine. At the beginning I tied myself in knots trying to win them over. Now I keep a polite distance.
I met Matt on a dating site at the beginning of 2019. I was two years out of my divorce and he’d been separated for a year.
His wife had cheated on him and wanted him back but he couldn’t forgive her. I knew he had children from the off and I wasn’t fazed — we all come with baggage by our age.
The first time I met the boys was six months into our relationship. We went to the park and Harry said to me, “Why are you here, nobody wants you”. Shortly afterwards he shot a nerf gun pellet at my head.
The kids’ mum was constantly telling them that I was the reason their parents had split as she didn’t want to take the blame.
I knew it wouldn’t be smooth sailing, but I was naïve.
I loved their father and wanted to love his children. They could be lovely, sweet and funny to him, so I had hope.
Stepmum
I’m a psychotherapist and believed that with time and communication we could have a good relationship.
I loved their father and wanted to love his children. They could be lovely, sweet and funny to him, so I had hope.
Matt and I bought a five-bedroom house together near York in September 2020 and our blended family life began.
We decorated the kids’ rooms and I made a huge fuss of them. But they make it abundantly clear they hate me and want me out of the picture.
Their mother still doesn’t help. She refuses to acknowledge me when she drops them off, staying outside in her car.
For the first two years they were here, I made a huge fuss on their birthdays, blowing up balloons, decorating the living room and baking huge cakes.
Harry refused to eat the cake, Sara didn’t even open the present that I’d bought.
So I’ve given up now.
Matt tries to be the peacemaker, thankfully I don’t have to point out how vile they are to me, he isn’t blind to it.
We’ve tried the usual tricks of turning off the internet or withholding pocket money. But it makes no difference.
He feels stuck in the middle. We discuss it endlessly and the bottom line is I have to grit my teeth and get on with it.
I don’t want Matt to stop having a relationship with his kids. The one redeeming feature is they’re sweet to Louise — I’d have left if they weren’t.
I find it so lonely – you feel like a monster admitting you hate your stepchildren and there’s very little support.
Stepmum
But I worry their rudeness rubs off on her; the other day she refused to stack her plate in the dishwasher.
I’m also aware that it can’t be nice for Harry and Sara now either, however much I try to disguise the fact that I’d rather they weren’t around, they must sense it. And they didn’t ask for their parents to split up.
I find it so lonely – you feel like a monster admitting you hate your stepchildren and there’s very little support.
The attitude is “you knew what you were getting into”. I did, but I don’t think anything can prepare you for the reality.
Matt and I have one weekend a month when we don’t have any children as Louise visits her dad. That’s when we go away and reconnect. Despite their best efforts our relationship is as strong as ever.
So all I can do is picture my life when they’ve grown up and left home, and look forward to that.
