DEAR DEIDRE: MY boyfriend refuses to talk about our future, and I’m worried he’s still hung up on his ex.
Every time I bring up marriage or kids, he shuts me down. It crushes me.
We have been together for two years now. I’m 30 and he’s 42, so there is quite an age gap.
Before I met him, he was married for over a decade.
After his wife split up with him, he was left heartbroken.
I know this was really hard on him, but shouldn’t he be over it by now?
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Throughout our relationship, I was very open about what I wanted.
He says he sees a future with me, but then snaps at me, leaving me feeling hurt.
I don’t doubt that he loves me, but every time it happens, he’s pushing me away more and more.
I’m stuck wondering if I’m in the wrong for mentioning it all the time, or whether he should be more understanding.
We’ve built a life together, shared so many happy memories, and even talked about moving in together.
Getting married and having children are the next logical steps, and they’re both important to me.
After being together for two years, I thought he’d want to talk about these things.
Now, I don’t know how to approach the subject with him.
I want us to be on the same page about our future, but his defensiveness makes me feel like I’m walking on eggshells.
Am I expecting too much too soon?
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DEIDRE SAYS: After two years together, it’s not unreasonable for you to bring up important topics like kids and marriage.
It sounds like your boyfriend, having had his heart broken before, is scared of getting hurt again.
Still, that is no excuse for biting your head off.
It’s important for him to heal from his past, and a counsellor can help him work through his unresolved trauma.
These are serious issues that need to be discussed honestly if you’re going to build a future. So let him know how his behaviour leaves you feeling.
Ultimately, if he doesn’t want the same things in life as you, you will need to go your own way.
Being able to communicate is the only way you can move forward together.
