DEAR DEIDRE: WHILE my late wife was dying of cancer, I cheated on her with a female friend.
Even though I’m now 68 and it’s been 20 years since her death, I feel increasingly guilty and ashamed.
How can I erase the terrible thing I did from my memory and move on?
My wife of 18 years was diagnosed with a melanoma at 45 and died aged just 48.
Over three years she had many treatments, which couldn’t save her.
Watching her in pain, slowly getting thinner and weaker, was heartbreaking.
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A family friend offered me physical comfort and we regularly met for sex.
As I no longer had a sex life with my wife, I justified it to myself.
It didn’t feel like I was being unfaithful then – although I knew it was wrong.
But two decades on, I am plagued with guilt about it. I wonder if my wife suspected me and if it added to her suffering.
I feel like the most terrible, selfish man, putting my physical needs before my marriage vows.
These thoughts torture me and I can’t sleep.
If only I could take a pill to forget what I did.
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DEIDRE SAYS: You must be kinder to yourself. You are not a terrible man.
It’s clear you loved your wife deeply, and I’m sure she knew it.
Watching a loved one suffer is painful. You sought comfort where it was offered.
No, it wasn’t the right thing to do, but you’ve punished yourself enough.
Try to put your energy into forgiving yourself now. My support pack, Feeling Guilty, should help.
Think about confiding in a counsellor, See my support pack about this too.
