OLYMPICS legend Dame Kelly Holmes says her struggle with coming out as gay led to her feeling at a total loss – wondering how she could ever go on.
The champion runner, 54, says she thinks she would have won even more gold medals if the decision hadn’t taken its toll on her mental and physical health.
But since coming out two years ago – she says she’s never felt happier.
Dame Kelly – who scooped Gold in the 800m and 1500m during the 2004 Athens Games – told host Virgin Radio host Steve Denyer: “I had a night where I decided to live or not.
“Over the years I’d been a self-harmer and that night I nearly just thought I’m going to give up. I struggled very, very hard that night to keep myself in bed because I knew what would have gone down.”
Dame Kelly realised she was gay while serving in the Women’s Royal Army Corps during the early 90s.
It was illegal to be LGBTQ+ in the Armed Forces until 2000 and being found out could lead to dishonourable discharge and even jail.
Dame Kelly said: “During that period of time a girl kissed me and it felt comfortable.
“I didn’t really know what gay was, it was just about the fact that I was comfortable with this girl but in the Army it was against the law to be gay.
“You could lose your career, be punished by Court Marshall, jailed. There was also a lot of bullying and sexual abuse.
“I didn’t want to lose my career. I really loved my career in the Army.
“But you would have a raid where basically people come into your barracks, turn your whole room upside down, your belongings, looking through all your personal possessions, vilifying you, spitting in your face, trying for you to admit that you’re gay.
“It was terrifying. That caused me a lot of trauma to be honest. And it was part of the reason why I didn’t come out till later in life.
“There’s a lot of people like me that have lived through that trauma in the 80s and ’90s who live to this day who have lived a life of fear,” she explained.
Dame Kelly told how she continued to hide her sexuality after becoming a pro-athlete in 1997.
She said: “There was no one out in sport in athletics.
“You had Martina Navratilova and Billy Jean King in tennis but I didn’t know them so my world was again quite isolated. I didn’t have any role models.”
“Looking at the injuries, the mental health problems I went through, the setbacks, a lot of that was because I was internalising that pain and that feeling of being scared and worried.”
For the 2024 Paris Olympics, The Pride House was officially opened to the public on Monday.
It made its debut at the 2010 games as a safe space for the LGBTQ+ community and allies to come together as well as to discuss ideas on inclusion in sports.
“I’m pleased they have a Pride house in Paris and they’re welcoming people and they want more people to come out,” Dame Kelly said.
“Sports people that are openly out, living their life authentically, that will help them elevate performances.
“My worries of hiding and what are people going to say, I’m telling you that had an impact on my sporting career. I won 12 or 13 International medals under a lot of psychological pressure. Would I have won more golds? Yes absolutely.”
Dame Kelly praised her mum Pam Norman for her incredible support throughout her life.
Her mum passed away in 2017 from myeloma, a form of blood cancer, years before Kelly came out publicly.
She feels her mum would be “proud” to see how Dame Kelly lives now.
She said: “She used to always say ‘just be you’ and she was so sad that I couldn’t. I’m sad that she doesn’t see me now. She would be proud.”
Virgin Radio Pride UK is on air until 31st August 2024. Ask your smart speaker to “play Virgin Radio Pride”.
Tune in online, on virginradiopride.co.uk, the free Virgin Radio app or on DAB Digital radio in Greater London and Scotland.
