DEAR DEIDRE: I am uncomfortable about my girlfriend’s recent suggestions to spice up our sex life. Something has made her racier all of a sudden. She keeps asking to try S&M.
I really don’t want to do any of this, but I don’t know how to refuse without making her think I am a bit of a bore in bed.
I am 31 and she is 42. She’s a fair bit older than me and much more experienced too. We have been together for a year and I’ve really fallen for her. She’s gorgeous, clever and keeps me on my toes.
She has always been adventurous when it comes to intimacy. She loves role play and dressing up. She says ordinary sex is too vanilla and boring.
Recently her tastes have become more extreme. She says she can’t get sexually excited if there isn’t an element of risk.
Previously, I was happy to indulge her. I’ve never said no to sex in public places and I find blindfolding her a turn on. But now I’m concerned because she’s even started to mention choking.
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This for me is another thing entirely. It scares me. I don’t want to give it or receive it. Why would I want to hurt the woman I love? And I know it could go wrong. I am not prepared to take a risk. I would be devastated if she came to harm.
I am scared that if I refuse her new tastes she may get bored of me. Or that she will go out looking for someone who will be more edgy – someone who doesn’t care about her like I do – and potentially put herself in danger.
Should I say yes and hope that if we try it once she won’t want to do it again?
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: Nobody should ever do anything that makes them uncomfortable just to keep their partner happy.
You have a right to refuse and if she loves you, she should accept your decision. If she doesn’t then it suggests she cares more about her own sexual thrills than your feelings.
Your concerns about choking are valid. Some believe it is a normal part of sex but it is fraught with dangers.
Be clear you are happy to explore new sexual experiences together but choking is not on the agenda.
Be honest with her. Explain how you feel and why. My support packs Standing Up For Yourself and 50 Ways To Spice Up Your Sex Life will help.
