DEAR DEIDRE: My wife has cheated, having sex with multiple other men throughout our marriage, but her last affair has broken me – she’s sleeping with my brother.
We are both 46, have been married for almost 20 years and have three kids. We met at college but the summer we left, we hooked up for a couple of dates and our relationship slowly developed.
She has always been the lively, sociable one in our relationship and I always felt lucky that she wanted to be with someone as quiet and reserved as me.
I knew she cheated on me right from the start, though, and I have to take some responsibility as mostly I have turned a blind eye – for the sake of our family.
When it first happened, she felt bad and confessed but she hasn’t changed.
She’s cheated on me with work colleagues, men she met in the pub, men who’ve come to the house doing jobs — even the hairdresser she said was gay.
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I’ve even brought up our youngest, knowing she wasn’t mine.
But this feels personal.
I knew she was up to her old tricks when she was being secretive with her phone – but when I saw a message pop up on her phone from my brother, the penny or bombshell dropped.
I couldn’t believe it when she said I was overreacting.
He’s 50, married and I have a terrible relationship with him. He bullied me when we were children.
My friends are all telling me to leave her but I can’t help loving her in spite of it all.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: It’s easy for outsiders to take a strong line but conflicting emotions come up when it’s your home that is going to be broken.
Secrets like this have a habit of revealing themselves and if your kids find out, they’ll be traumatised, never mind the wider family.
If your children are aware of your wife’s infidelity, it is very damaging for them. They’ll grow up thinking her behaviour is part of normal family life.
She’s repeatedly cheated on you, so I’m not sure it’s realistic she will change, unless she makes a real commitment to working through her issues.
You’ll both need to be honest about what you need to rebuild your marriage. And please start speaking up for yourself. You are just as important in the relationship.
If she’s willing to give your marriage a real chance, my support pack called Cheating — Can You Get Over It? details more support.
