DEAR DEIDRE: IN an attempt to keep my marriage alive, I’ve found myself having occasional sex with a female friend. I know it’s wrong, but I feel like it’s the best solution.
Like most men of my age, I have sexual needs – but sadly, my wife isn’t interested in satisfying them.
I’m 52 and my wife is 50. We’ve been married for 22 years.
Our sex life was never a problem until a few years ago, when my wife completely lost interest.
If I tried to initiate sex, she would say she was too tired or that I was being a pest.
I have a high sex drive. Ideally, I’d like sex every day, but I’m prepared to compromise and have it only twice a week – hardly excessive.
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Every so often, I would manage to get her in the mood, but it was such an effort, and she showed such little interest, that I couldn’t maintain my erection.
That was upsetting and stressful. Since then, I’ve hardly made any effort to seduce my wife at all.
A few months ago, I caught up with an old female friend and, over a few drinks, confessed my unhappiness.
She’s been single since her divorce, and said she misses sex too.
The drunker we got, the more we flirted, until we ended up at her house, where she led me into the bedroom.
I had no problem performing. The sex was marvellous and I felt re-energised after, if a little guilty.
Since then, we have been to bed a few times.
I’m now thinking I should continue with this purely physical ‘affair’ which suits both me and my lover.
My wife is happier too as I’m no longer ‘pestering her’.
Is this a good idea?
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DEIDRE SAYS: If you truly believed this was a good idea, you wouldn’t be writing to me.
While it’s a practical solution, it can’t work in the long run. You clearly feel guilty, your lover might want to move on, and – most importantly – your wife might find out.
If you love her, as it sounds like you do, you need to sort out your sexual problems within your marriage – not outside of it.
Tell her how you long to feel closer to her again and ask if she’ll work on this with you.
My support packs, Love and the Mature Woman and Reviving a Woman’s Sex Drive, should help.
Given her age, menopause could be a factor. Ask her to see her GP.
