DEAR DEIDRE: I LOVED feeling like the irresistible temptress when I first lured my boyfriend away from his missus.
We enjoyed an intense sex life and loved spending time together so I was delighted when he left his wife for me two years ago.
But now I feel like the wronged wife after discovering messages on his phone to her — proclaiming that he still loves her. It’s ridiculous.
I am 31, he is 15 years older than me and we’ve been together for four years. We met through work.
Although I didn’t plan on having an affair, I didn’t feel bad as his wife took him for granted so really she has to take some responsibility.
It was a messy separation and I know my partner struggled with guilt for some considerable time. His wife was deeply upset, as were their children.
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Now I would describe our relationship as generally very happy. We are planning to move in together soon.
But he still hasn’t told his family anything about me and I feel like a secret.
My partner is very guarded with his phone and doesn’t know I’ve seen his messages. A part of me wished I hadn’t looked. I am afraid to raise it because if we fall out I worry he will go back to his wife.
They are separated but neither of them has made any move to divorce.
I am certain his wife would take him back straight away.
I can’t help but wonder whether I am wasting my time. I don’t want to be hidden away.
I know we can’t continue like this because my trust in him lessens every day. Am I being paranoid?
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: You are tucked away in a secret corner of his life and after four years together, you deserve more clarity.
It’s never a good idea to read someone else’s messages, as you rarely discover anything that makes you happy.
Don’t rush to conclusions. He could just have been having a momentary wobble about moving in with you. That’s natural before any big life change.
Whatever the reason, you do need to sit down and talk to him.
You have not met any of his family but if he wants a future with you then you need to discuss and plan for this.
It could be that he fears his ex would cause trouble for him if she thought he had a new partner.
My support pack, Looking After Your Relationship, will help you.
