WE all like to be liked, and everyone seeks a little validation, attention and admiration here and there.
But when you become dependent on the approval of others, it can fundamentally change who you are.
“Approval-seeking behaviour is a common theme in therapy,” says BACP-registered counsellor Georgina Sturmer.
“Often, we don’t realise the extent to which our behaviours are driven by the desire to elicit the approval of others, as it can manifest in all sorts of ways.
“We might feel worried, but not know why, or we might feel voiceless.
“This can all lead to feelings of anxiety or depression, low self-esteem and unhealthy relationships with people who seek to control or manipulate us.”
It’s important not to confuse approval with validation, which is about feeling understood and accepted.
Approval is about having others tell you what to think and feel, and can create a situation where they dictate your worth.
It can dim your sparkle and take away from your authentic self.
So find out if you’re approval-dependent.
Let’s find out…
What does approval-seeking behaviour look like?
If you’re dependent on the approval of others, you really care what people think of you.
It means you may seek compliments and take criticism badly.
“You automatically assume that feedback is negative rather than constructive,” says Georgina.
“This can cause you to struggle to make independent decisions.
“You may have an internal dialogue that offers self-criticism or find yourself constantly apologising for your actions.”
Do you dread being asked to book a restaurant for fear your friend will hate it?
Are you unable to make a decision without calling your BFF or mum first?
And when you finally do decide, do you then seek reassurance?
People dependent on approval might backtrack on their choices, or reject new opportunities for fear that others won’t approve.
They may shift their values – as well as what they say, do or wear – to appease others. And they might not even be sure what their own preferences even are.
Think Cady in Mean Girls, whose entire demeanour and appearance changes in desperation to be liked by the “cool” clique.
Or Rachel in Friends, who starts smoking with colleagues because she feels left out.
You may even fixate on someone you think doesn’t like you.
Sounds exhausting, right?
Seeking approval is largely about trying to fit in, whether it be at school, work, with your partner’s family or with the mums in the school gates.
“It’s a natural instinct,” says Georgina.
“There’s safety in numbers, and when we seek the approval of others, we’re ensuring our acceptance within our community.”
However, research shows that the constant need for it is rooted in a lack of self-worth.
It often stems from relationships with our primary carers in our formative years, says Georgina.
“Babies and children exhibit attachment-based behaviours to gain the affection of their caregivers.
Our approval-seeking behaviours are shaped by the responses we get from them. If they’re responsive, we develop a sense of security.
But if they’re inconsistent disapproving or we feel rejected, it can leave us struggling to know how to gain their approval.
This can lead to a development of behaviours that appear needy at one end of the spectrum, or distant at the other.”
Research has found that the more an individual needs approval from others, the more anxious they tend to be.
They may also use social media more.
One study discovered that people who based their self-worth on others’ opinions were more likely to share photos online than those who drew their self-worthiness from their own virtues or morals.*
But this can fuel further approval-seeking behaviour.
“It can leave us wanting more, as if we are ‘addicted’ to the idea of gaining someone’s approval,” says Georgina, suggesting it’s a difficult cycle to pull away from.
Approval-seeking behaviour also lends itself to people pleasing, Georgina adds.
“It’s driven by similar internal processes.
“On the face of it, people pleasing is an appealing quality that feels innately human. But it can become stressful.”
Bending to other people’s needs before your own is even more disheartening when it feels unacknowledged.
How do you move away from seeking external validation to cultivating self-worth?
Simple steps can go a long way, as can getting into the habit of asking yourself: “What do I think about this?” before seeking anyone else’s opinion.
Here, Georgina shares her top tips…
Finding uplifting words and phrases to say to ourselves can help bolster confidence and self-esteem.
A great one to start with is to look in the mirror and say: “I love and approve of you unconditionally.”
At first, it can feel uncomfortable or awkward, but when we repeatedly say something to ourselves, we begin to store it in the subconscious.
The inner critic undermines our confidence, but ignoring it doesn’t make it go away!
Trying to get to know it – and why it’s there – can be more helpful. Does it tell you that dress looks awful?
Perhaps it’s protecting you from a fear of embarrassment.
If we can figure this out, we can start to reframe our internal dialogue and speak to ourselves as a friend instead.
Are you friends with “radiators” or “drains”?
If we want to build self-acceptance, it can help if we are surrounded by people who want the same for us.
This isn’t about culling friendships, but protecting ourselves from encounters that leave us feeling negative about ourselves.
Think about the role devices and social media play in your life.
When you go online, do you end up feeling better or worse about yourself?
For many, mindless scrolling leaves us feeling more self-critical.
If this is you, be ruthless.
Drastically reduce your screen time or unfollow all the accounts that make you feel bad.
