DEAR DEIDRE: DAYS after marrying my husband, I nearly had sex with my surfing instructor. What is wrong with me?
This happened last summer, but I’m still really struggling to let go of the guilt and I feel so ashamed.
My husband is 31 and I’m 29.
After our wedding we travelled to Cornwall for our honeymoon — it’s our special place and we had many happy memories from great holidays there.
But that fateful night we were in the pub, celebrating hard with a few drinks, when our surf instructor turned up with friends.
We were all having a good time when this instructor invited both of us outside for a smoke.
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My husband hates the habit but I can’t resist after a drink so I went outside with him.
We were having a good chat and getting on brilliantly.
Then my husband came out and said he was feeling a bit ropey.
He asked if I minded if he went back to the hotel. It was just around the corner so I told him I’d finish my drink then head back.
But the instructor, who is in his late 30s, got me another drink before I could refuse.
Then he really started flirting with me. He was so good-looking and fun, I couldn’t resist when he leaned in for a kiss.
He then insisted on walking me back to the hotel, via the beach where we just about stopped short of having sex.
It wasn’t the first time I’ve strayed. Unfortunately I do have form for getting drunk and having a kiss and cuddle with a stranger.
How can I move on from this?
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: You’ve identified that drinking heavily changes your behaviour – you start smoking and put your relationship at risk.
So the simplest improvement is cutting down the amount you drink so you are in control of your choices.
Before you tell your husband about this instructor, ask yourself if you would be primarily telling him to alleviate your own sense of guilt.
He will be incredibly hurt by your revelation. If you have genuinely learned you don’t want to stray any more, it could be pointless telling him.
Perhaps it would be better to accept you behaved in a way you are no longer comfortable with and that you are ready to make positive changes.
My support pack, Feeling Guilty?, will also have some useful information.
However, you may feel you need to be honest to move on. In which case couples therapy will help you both come to terms with this.
Tavistockrelationships.org (020 7380 1975) will help.
