THE entire history of Great Britain, according to the BBC’s drama department: Part one.
From the year dot, every single British person became rich beyond their wildest dreams due to racism and slavery.
Then, in 1948, the NHS was created and cured all known ills while the saintly Windrush generation tried to civilise the population through the medium of Ska music.
It all ended horribly, though, in 1979, when a fascist coup brought Margaret Himmler to power and the downtrodden plebs were forced to throw bricks at the police for an entire decade.
I exaggerate, but only slightly, as should be confirmed by anyone who’s seen BBC One’s new ’80s drama This Town, written by Steven “Peaky Blinders” Knight who, over the course of half a dozen episodes, demonstrates exactly what would’ve happened if Ghost Town by The Specials was a six-hour concept album instead of a single.
That is to say, it’s dreadful — an achingly cool soundtrack in desperate need of a plot, script editing, sense of urgency, humour and a single character who could be considered likeable.
It could use a middle and end as well.
Starting point on Sunday, however, was the Birmingham riots of 1981, where, to the standard background of industrial and racial strife, we met Dante Williams, played by the very fine Levi Brown.
A poetic genius, is this boy, who longs to find a musical outlet for his talent and can’t stop sharing his lyrical flourishes with the viewers. Though I really wish he would.
“When the lifts are all fixed, I’ll go down on the ground. Spin you around.
“And we’ll hitchhike to Brighton, where we’ll no longer be frightened.”
Frightened? Brighton? Unless there’s a strike on? ’Cos that’d be s***e un. The Bard of Brum, Dante is not.
He is, though, we’re constantly told, enigmatic, mysterious, wild and untamed, which is even odder as the character Dante most obviously reminds me of is Adrian Chiles, from the obsession with motorways right through to the slightly morose West Midlands banter that has him wondering: “Have you ever considered the possibility that none of us are real and we’re all just invented?”
Considered it? It’s the only thing that kept me going right to the bitter end of This Town, where Dante’s pretensions aren’t the only issue clouding the drama.
There’s also Downton Abbey’s Michelle Dockery as Aunt Estella, losing the unequal struggle with alcohol and a Brummie accent, and a Tommy Shelby mark II, in the shape of gangster Robbie Carmen, who is every bit as “terrifying” as the brackets that accompany the local IRA unit who are bungling around in the background (Coventry Battalion).
I have even more bad news, though, for those who persevered with the first two episodes this week, and all those broadsheet reviewers who declared it “brilliant and bold”, if “a little slow”.
It gets even slower.
So slow, in fact, you almost need Attenborough’s time-lapse photography to see anything happening at times.
Episode four is largely given over to rehearsals for the hopeless Ska band Dante and his IRA refusenik cousin Bardon eventually cobble together.
And during episode five it has a George Floyd “I can’t breathe” moment when the police try to strangle Dante’s dad Deuce.
It’s a scene that probably fools the writer into thinking he’s compassionate but dates the production beyond salvation and tells the viewer this drama is consumed by the political prejudices of the 2020s and actually has nothing to do with the 1980s at all.
Those of us who were lucky enough to grow up in that decade already knew this, of course.
Because, contrary to the message and mood of contemporary dramas like This Town, the 1980s I remember was a joyful, brash, funny, exciting, relatively carefree decade when we were all free to pursue the ancient British art of having a good time without an army of moral busybodies bullying us about our imagined privileges and prejudices every single minute of the day.
None of that blissful side is conveyed by This Town, which ends in the most disturbing manner possible, with a pitch for another series and part two of BBC Drama’s history of Britain: In 1990 a popular uprising drove Margaret Himmler from power and the crying years began as the country realised everything it had ever done was evil.
Cannot. Wait.
THE Weakest Link, Romesh Ranganathan: “In a popular nursery rhyme, Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to fetch her poor dog a what?”
G K Barry: “Pail of water.”
Romesh: “In maths, what is 26 plus 62?”
Guz Khan: “90.”
Tipping Point, Ben Shephard: “How many minutes are there in half an hour?”
Steven: “Four.”
And Ben Shephard: “Often kept as pets, the Tosa Inu is a large breed of what animal?”
Pam: “Bear.”
GOOD Morning Britain urgently needing to sack the caption-writing cretin who thinks Britain’s most famous playwright is “SHAKESPEAR”.
Apprentice candidates going to silent pieces at every single pitch.
This Morning and Good Morning Britain pulling almost identical and equally lame April Fool’s Day stunts.
Worst comedy panel show of all time, Out Of Order, awarding itself a “Best Bits” show.
And Jordan Gray creating a previously unthinkable grade of comedian with his Channel 4 appearance on Friday night: Too Unfunny For The Last Leg.
HUMAN Dolmio puppet Nick Grimshaw has come up with a strong contender for the most patronising and self-satisfied television show ever made.
It’s called The Underdog: Josh Must Win, on E4, and is based on the lofty conceit that a conventionally unattractive dork couldn’t possibly win a reality show without help from Nick and his expert team of egomaniacs, Towie’s Pete Wicks, Vicky Pattison and Amber Gill from Love Island.
The dork in question being Josh, a professional wrestler, believe it or not, who looks so much like a shrink-wrapped version of a notorious serial killer it’s a bit of a crime he doesn’t fight under the name Fred Vest.
Josh seems like a nice enough lad without Nick and the gang patting him on the head and trying to turn him into a showboating monster.
The very obvious problem with this idea and format, though, is that we all know production teams have been trying to manipulate the result of reality shows ever since Channel 4 tried and failed to steer Anna Nolan to victory in the first ever Big Brother, back in 2000.
Indeed, it’s one of the main reasons the public grew fed up with The X Factor.
Beyond making Nick and his mates look nice, then, the whole point of The Underdog: Josh Must Win is . . . ?
I’ll get back to you.
MY Family And Me, Ferne McCann: “I’m going to have to sit down with Sunday and say what Mummy does for work.”
And if you could let the rest of us in on the secret . . .
ON another intense episode of the Really channel’s Body Bizarre, we met a South African rapper, born without any limbs and one foot attached to his thigh, who wanted an answer to the question: “What’s ahead?”
And though I’m no musician or surgeon, I feel pretty sure every viewer came up with the same answer.
Hip-hop.
JOE ALLEN: “The two things you have to consider is, are the players supportive, does the future look bright and is the team improving.”
Kelly Cates: “Chelsea with a two-all victory against Burnley.”
Steve Bower: “The bad news, and I mean that in a good way, is Jude Bellingham’s coming off.”
(Compiled by Graham Wray)
BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN’S brilliant cameo on an unforgettable episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm (Sky Comedy).
A BBC4 love letter to darts called Jocky Wilson Said, reminding us what the 1980s were really like (fun).
Gogglebox’s Giles summing up Anton & Giovanni’s Adventures In Spain perfectly: “The only thing you can say with any certainty about this programme is it’s taking up time.”
BBC2’s Pilgrimage removing the usual layer of pointless noise from television for one blissful hour.
And a member of the losing Oxford team providing the first interesting soundbite in Boat Race history: “It would have been ideal not to have so much poo in the water.”
It’s just a shame he wasn’t captioned: “Leonard Jenkins, up s**t creek with a paddle.”
TELLY quiz. What were the next words spoken after BBC2’s Pilgrimage celeb Christine McGuinness said: “Since I’ve been blessed I feel like it’s opened up another orifice.”
A) “She told the public inquiry.”
B) “Claims strenuously denied by The Vatican.”
C) “And they’re all entering my skin in different places.”
D) “Penalty to Rangers.”
GREAT TV lies and delusions of the week. My Family And Me, Ferne McCann: “It’s really hard because my job isn’t nine to five.” (Or even a job.)
MasterChef, Hope: “To be told I’m good at cooking is a very emotional moment to comprehend.” (It’s not. Grow up.)
And The Weakest Link: “I’m Rufus Hound, I do all sorts and I’m from London.” (Your name’s Robert, you’re a failed comedian and you’re a posh boy from Surrey.)
JOSH Must Win, Denise Van Outen: “I’m looking for talent today.”
Cold, Denise. You’re very very cold.
THIS week’s winner is Celebrity Big Brother foghorn David Potts and Ursula the sea witch from The Little Mermaid.
Sent in by JP, from Bournemouth.
