I AM standing on the deck of a 170ft yacht, martini in hand, a warm Croatian breeze wafting over my face and musing on the words of that great American philosopher, David Lee Roth.
“Money,” the former Van Halen singer opined, “can’t buy you happiness, but it CAN buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it . . . ”
And how right he was . . . if only the MV Bellissima was actually mine.
I’m not the guest of a rock star, or some Richard Branson-style billionaire, although it does rather feel like it.
I am, in fact, with my wife and 30 other passengers on a fantastic seven-night cruise of the Dalmatian coastline travelling down from Split to Dubrovnik.
I’ve been on cruises before but they weren’t anything like this.
Cruising on the big ships is fun, for sure, but the sheer size of them, and the number of people on board, can be overwhelming.
This is small-scale luxury, with the emphasis on the personal touch and, crucially, a fraction of the cost of actually hiring a yacht.
Over the week we discovered the many sides of Croatia, from swanky Split and the laid-back island of Vis to party central Hvar and stunning Game Of Thrones location Dubrovnik.
Days on board the Bellissima were all about relaxation.
Breakfast and lunch (both included) were amazing feasts, prepared in a tiny galley by the ships’ two cooks.
The bar was open at pretty much any time of day, thanks to Mate the barman, just one star in a friendly, hard-working, eight-strong crew.
There were loads of opportunities to swim off the back of the yacht, and plenty of space for everyone to sunbathe on the top deck, lounge in the hot tub or relax on the private balcony of your cabin.
Oh, and there was the chance to mingle and make friends in a way that’s much easier than on those crowded cruise ships.
Our fellow passengers were a mix of Brits, Aussies and Americans (a big hello to Jim and Bo Miller from Anaheim, California) and none of us had been to Croatia before.
Which is where this Cruise Croatia trip really scored.
There were guided tours — all included — of historical sights, wine tasting, oyster tasting and more, all designed to give you a feel for this fascinating country.
Evenings were free to explore the great restaurants at each port of call.
(A word of warning here: Croatian restaurants ain’t cheap but the food IS worth the expense. It’s very Mediterranean, with a big Italian influence, heavy on meat and fish. The big speciality on the Dalmatian coast is peka — fish, lamb or octopus, cooked under an iron bell for four hours.)
Anyway, the Dalmatian coast is a treasure trove of walled towns, pretty coves, charming ports and stunning natural sights.
The Romans, Greeks and Venetians all invaded at one time or another, leaving their mark on architecture and food.
Our cruise started off in Split, possibly the only city in the world originally built as a retirement home.
The Roman Emperor Diocletian, a local boy made good, built it as a palace and lived out his days there until the ancient age of 68 (ancient for a Roman emperor anyway).
This Unesco heritage site is now a maze of smart boutiques, restaurants and museums and without doubt one of the world’s most beautiful cities.
Day two and we fetched up at charming, laid-back Trogir, another Unesco heritage site.
This meant a chance to visit the beautiful Krka National Park and its dramatic waterfalls.
On day three, we hit Hvar island, Croatia’s answer to Ibiza and Cannes all rolled into one — with a glossy main port full of lively bars and clubs.
We moored in Stari Grad, a quieter harbour on the other side of the island, to avoid being disturbed by the night-time partying in Hvar town.
Hvar is where the celebs go.
If you see an expensively dressed woman in massive sunglasses walking on the quayside, trailed by three muscular young men carrying small dogs, then there’s a good chance it’s a celeb.
And it was, too — “international entrepreneur and philanthropist” Diana Jenkins from the Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills, apparently, according to my wife (no, me neither).
There was a change of pace on Vis, the furthest island from the mainland.
It was once the home of the old Yugoslav Navy and off-limits to visitors.
Today, it’s a bucolic place and a welcome respite from the crowds in Split and Dubrovnik.
And it has probably the best beaches in the country.
Korcula island, with its pretty Venetian-influenced town, offered a chance to visit the famous Blue Cave.
Slano, back on the mainland, was the stopping-off place for the beautiful Mljet National Park, where we hired bikes and swam in the salt lakes.
The last day was Dubrovnik.
If you are a fan of GoT, you will already know this incredibly well-preserved medieval fortress city, another Unesco heritage site.
It’s a labyrinth of shady, stone-flagged, narrow streets packed with high-end shops, bars and restaurants.
(Try the rooftop Restaurant Dubrovnik in the Old Town. Fabulous.)
Walking the city ramparts is the big draw here but it’s best to go after 5pm because of the heat — and the crowds.
Dubrovnik is VERY busy.
The beauty of Croatia is that it feels both familiar and yet utterly different.
The Croatians share a lot of characteristics with the Italians, from an obsession with looking smart to a love of food and la dolce vita.
There’s a bit of rivalry, too.
The Croatians like to point out that their beaches and sea water are much cleaner than those of their neighbours across the Adriatic.
The reason? Well, as our cruise host, Lana, pointed out with glee, the currents carry all of Croatia’s pollution and rubbish to . . . Italy
GETTING / SAILING THERE: A seven-night half-board trip on Cruise Croatia’s MV Memories on its Luxury Split To Dubrovnik cruise in a balcony cabin is from £1,695pp.
Departing Split, calling at Trogir, Vis, Hvar, Korcula, Slano/Ston and Dubrovnik.
Price includes flights from the UK, private transfers, breakfast and lunch, plus afternoon tea, guided tours and free wifi.
See cruisecroatia.com or call 0203 950 9613.
