DEAR DEIDRE: Even though I’ve lost two stone, my husband still won’t have sex with me.
We haven’t been intimate for ten years and I’m at the end of my tether. Is it time to look elsewhere for sexual fulfilment?
I’m 40, he is 42 and we have been married for 13 years. Our sex life started going downhill soon after we wed.
It seemed like once he had got me, he felt he no longer needed to put effort in.
Over the years, I have kept trying to initiate sex, but he always turns me down, saying he is too tired or not in the mood, or the room’s too messy – anything to get out of it.
It’s left me feeling so undesirable and unsexy.
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A few years ago, I confronted him in tears, saying I had needs and couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t touch me.
He admitted that although he loved me, he didn’t find me sexually attractive any more because I’d put on weight.
Since then, I’ve worked really hard to lose the pounds, and I feel great. Everyone says I look really good. But it’s made no difference to our sex life.
My husband still won’t even kiss me. I’ve been getting a lot of attention and offers. Should I say yes to one of them?
It now feels like my husband is just making excuses, and there’s something else going on.
I do love him and don’t want to be unfaithful, but I also want a normal sex life.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: Being repeatedly rejected is very hurtful and knocks your self-esteem.
This is not your fault. It sounds like your husband has an issue with sex, whether physical or psychological, but isn’t willing to address it.
Instead, he makes excuses and blames you. He’s being unfair. You didn’t agree to a celibate marriage.
Your sexual needs are normal, and he can’t expect you simply to accept his lack of interest in physical intimacy.
Talk to him honestly. Tell him you’re on the verge of straying or leaving and that you want to sort this out together, if possible.
Ask him to go to the doctor and suggest couples counselling.
My Counselling and Sex Therapy support packs will tell you more about this, and how to access help.
