DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER I cheated on my wife I felt so ashamed, I started to pick apart her past.
I wanted to find a reason to feel less guilty, but now I fear I’ve taken things too far by phoning her ex.
I’m 35 and my wife is 30. We’ve been married for six years and have one child together who’s three.
Until a few weeks ago, I’d always been faithful to her — and I could never have imagined straying.
But one evening, when I was out with some old uni friends, I had a few too many to drink. The evening quickly became a blur and to my horror, I woke up the next morning in another woman’s bed.
I knew my wife would be broken if she found out, so I hid it from her.
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As the weeks went by the shame slowly started to eat away at me. I couldn’t think of anything else.
I know it’s selfish, but I wanted to find something to blame her for.
She had previously told me that she was a wild teen and had slept with more than 70 men.
I started to wonder if she had been unfaithful before and couldn’t help but wonder if she’d keep things from me too.
One day, I snapped and found one of her ex-boyfriends on Facebook and decided to ring him.
When I asked, he confirmed she had cheated on him. Now I don’t know what to do. I know I shouldn’t be digging through her past.
How can we come back from this? I don’t want to lose her.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: It’s good that you’ve recognised you are digging into your girlfriend’s past to distract yourself from your own infidelity.
No one likes to admit they’ve done something wrong, but it’s important to do just that.
Being able to do this shows a level of maturity, and it’s going to be better for everyone involved in the long run.
I’m not suggesting you tell your girlfriend that you cheated, but it is important to recognise you made a mistake and to face up to that, as this is the way we learn about our behaviour – what we are comfortable and uncomfortable with.
It would be good if you can sort this out once and for all and then try to put it behind you and focus on your future together.
Focusing on the past, which neither of you can change, is only damaging your relationship.
Please read my support pack Guilt, which may help.
