DEAR DEIDRE: SHOULD I give up the love of my life to indulge my need for kinky sex with my ex?
While I dream of threesomes and sex in public places, my girlfriend just wants to stick to the missionary position. In bed.
We’ve been together for three years and we’re now at the point of talking about marriage and kids. I’m 32 and she’s 29.
We have so much in common, I fancy her rotten, and she is intelligent, kind and sweet — the sort of girl any man would want to take home to his mum.
I love everything about her, apart from her vanilla tastes which are making me increasingly sexually frustrated.
Before I met her, I had a short relationship with a woman of 34 who shared my kinky appetites.
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She was into group sex, exhibitionism and mild S&M. She was even up for trying dogging.
There was nothing she wouldn’t do. She’d put on her webcam while we had sex and let my mates watch.
But we were better in the bedroom than out of it, and I couldn’t see myself settling down with her.
The problem is, I’m so bored with sex with my girlfriend, I can’t stop thinking about my ex. She is the one I fantasise about when I masturbate.
I know she’s still interested in me and I’m wondering if I should meet up with her secretly to get my kinky needs out of my system.
Or perhaps I should call it quits with my girlfriend and give a relationship with my ex another go.
I’ve told my girlfriend what turns me on but she either laughs or looks disgusted and says: “No way!”
People would say I was crazy to throw away a good, long-term relationship for sex, but I can’t think about anything else.
DEIDRE SAYS: As you have realised, you can’t make someone do sexual things they don’t want to do.
You could try to encourage her to be more adventurous, but from your experience it seems this would not hold your attention for long.
So you have a choice – stay with your girlfriend and have “vanilla” sex, and feel frustrated, or break up with her and find someone else – possibly your ex, or someone new – with whom you are more sexually compatible.
Don’t cheat, as that will only cause more problems.
Sex may not be the most import-ant part of a relationship, but it is important.
If your tastes are so different, this relationship is very unlikely to work out in the long term.
You need to talk to your girlfriend and explain how you feel, even if the conversation leads to a break-up.
Sadly, not all relationships work out, and perhaps this one has run its course. But if you can talk about this like adults, then you might be able to salvage a friendship at least.
My support pack Ending A Relationship should help.
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