DEAR DEIDRE: I AM in bits after my partner announced he developed feelings for men but kept them bottled up. He feels better for telling me and insists he still loves me — but has met someone else recently who he loves as well. I am 48 and my partner is 52. We have been […]
DEAR DEIDRE: I AM in bits after my partner announced he developed feelings for men but kept them bottled up.
He feels better for telling me and insists he still loves me — but has met someone else recently who he loves as well.
No issue is too small, too large or too embarrassing. Read our personal replies here.
I am 48 and my partner is 52. We have been together for 25 years and engaged for 20. We have two boys, aged 19 and 16.
I saw no signs my partner felt this way so it has come completely out of the blue.
If anything, I would say the sex we were having was getting better and better. We even made love the day before he told me.
It has torn our family apart because in the heat of the moment I told him to get out. I wanted time to think and get my head around everything.
That was three weeks ago and I assume he is staying with his boyfriend. He comes over to see the kids every week.
But they are disgusted with his behaviour and how he has treated me, and can barely look him in the eye.
It distresses me so much because they have always had such a close bond.
My partner doesn’t look in the least bit happy. He keeps saying he misses family life and my family too.
Do you think it could be a midlife crisis? Everyone who knows him says he will live to regret his actions and that he is just confused.
Can there ever be a reconciliation? I love him so much it hurts.
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DEIDRE SAYS: Your fiancé may be relieved this is out in the open but you are dealing with a huge shock.
It will take time to process this and having time apart from him may help.
But it’s also important you keep talking openly. Be honest with him about your emotions – and don’t make any hasty decisions.
Opening up is a huge step and shows he does trust you.
You need to find out what he wants to do and in turn discuss how you feel.
Does he hope to stay with you in a monogamous relationship, wants an open relationship or to leave?
It is time to start talking and working out how you can both move forward.
Try not to involve your sons in your relationship and remind them that their dad loves them regardless of what happens between you.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
Counselling would be a very good idea for you both to work through your feelings.
You can find some help and support through Tavistock Relationships (020 7380 1960, tavistockrelationships.org) who offer online help.
