WITH the real-life honours system looking more ludicrous by the year, Bizarre takes great pride in dishing out some truly deserved recognition to our most dreary and dreadful stars.
After another 12 months packed with truly appalling behaviour — plus one of the least sexy romps ever captured on camera — this New Year I’ve sharpened my pencil once more to call out the wrong ‘uns, dullards and chancers from the world of celebrity in the hope they’ll see the error of their ways in 2022.
And in a rare twist, I’m keeping my first recipient — easily the worst offender of this year’s bunch — anonymous, in order to keep my promise of respecting her privacy, despite the very same woman spending two decades courting every opportunity to fling herself into the spotlight.
But if you REALLY want to keep yourself out of the public eye, a humiliating court appearance which documents years of dangerous and shameless behaviour including drink-driving, drug use and a total disregard for the law after flouting countless driving bans is best avoided.
This shy and retiring reality TV regular has also failed to pay £7,000 of outstanding fines from previous offences, but scraped together the cash to make repeated trips to beauty salons and fashion boutiques while on a month-long stint in rehab, which miraculously kept her out of prison despite a judge admitting she should be behind bars.
She even had to be reminded by officials not to cash in on her shame by staging photographs of herself doing community service.
There’s no doubt this car crash character – and yes, the pun is intended – deserves to be given her right to privacy, something she would have finally received if she’d spent a few months in a small concrete box with bars on the window.
But this new year, let’s give her the very next best thing – and ignore her completely – but she should enjoy this honour in the short term. It’s the only award she’s likely to pick up anytime soon.
THEY do say politics is showbusiness for ugly people . . .
OK, so this one is not strictly showbiz. But I couldn’t let it pass without a quick mention.
I have seen my fair share of celebrity sex tapes over the years but CCTV footage of the married then-Health Secretary clumsily squeezing his lover’s bottom in his Westminster office during lockdown was anything but titillating.
Their fumble was revealed by The Sun on June 25. He went as health chief next day.
THESE two are crying out for a lifetime achievement award here, with their sulking and double-standards.
They continue to rake in the mega-bucks deals but have yet to create anything of value, which must be more than a bit frustrating for their big-tech paymasters at Netflix and Spotify.
And that’s before we get to their nauseating Oprah interview . . .
SHE’S a giant of US telly and secured the year’s biggest interview with Prince Harry and Meghan but I can’t be alone in being a bit bored of Oprah.
You get more searching questions on Sesame Street.
We’ve since heard reports that when Adele turned up looking sensational to film her own US telly special with Oprah, the host raced off to change outfits and even knocked back the start of the recording by a few hours to avoid being upstaged.
What a diva.
And, among the dregs, here are some stars who thankfully reminded us there is still some joy to be had in being
a superstar…
GOD bless Jack – he’s what the nation was crying out for.
Amid a sea of mediocrity, the Man City star exploded into the mainstream during the Euros and quickly became a firm favourite with female fans.
He flung himself into the excitement of being the nation’s most eligible lad and scored as many times off the pitch as he did on it – bagging interest from, among others, TV star Emiliy Atack.
For the first time in ages, being rich, famous and good- looking appears to be a lorryload of fun again. Imagine that!
ACTION hero Ben delivered one of the most unnecessarily brutal post-break-up interviews ever.
In a series of swipes at ex Jennifer Garner – who endured the worst of his alcoholism and even drove him to rehab at the height of his troubles – the charmless oaf said he’d still be drinking hard if they had stayed together, as he felt “trapped”.
Some way to repay her.
A hefty backlash followed, and Ben later complained that reports of the incident had made him seem like “the worst, most insensitive, stupid, awful guy”.
I couldn’t have put it better.
DREARY Daniel ended his tenure as James Bond by turning the world’s most famous spy into a woke softy.
The one-time lothario’s only sex scene in No Time To Die looked more like a cosy ad for furniture, while co-star Ana De Armas looked every bit the sexy bad-ass who might save the world.
Good job Daniel has now handed in his licence to kill.
THIS one might just be jealousy on my part – because I didn’t think of a way to milk rich idiots for thousands of pounds over steak and chips.
Instagram “chef” Salt Bae appeared in London late last year to open another restaurant, having hit the big-time in the Middle East by serving up slabs of gold-encrusted meat theatrically sprinkled with salt.
WE’VE long known that giving stupid people fame would have consequences. But Stephen takes some beating.
Sadly, his antics go well beyond a joke.
He was accused of uploading graphic footage of himself having sex with a female star after covertly filming her on CCTV . . . then mocking her about it.
I first called out his behaviour early last year. Though he denies the allegations ahead of facing trial over “revenge porn” later this year, here’s what a tough guy Stephen really is.
When I first slammed his antics in this column and urged TV producers to take note, he had his dad call The Sun to tell us how mean we were and his sensitive little lad was terribly upset. Diddums.
THE #FreeBritney movement was one of the defining showbiz stories of the year.
But for all the positive news of the pop star escaping her long-running conservatorship, there was a kick in the teeth for her dad Jamie who lost his battle to keep control of her finances after 13 years.
Given she’s worth an estimated £120million – and some believe Britney’s true fortune could be twice that – it’s no wonder he was keen to cling on in what became a very ugly legal wrangle.
JUST when you are long overdue a musical superstar, two come along at once to totally reignite Britain’s pop scene.
After almost two years of stagnation thanks to the pandemic, our two biggest songwriting exports – Ed Sheeran and Adele – both returned with triumphant records.
Ed captured his trademark brand of high-energy pop hooks on fourth solo studio album Equals while Adele drove us all to the brink of tears as she bared her soul post-divorce on 30
Able support from the likes of Coldplay helped drive even more chart success for Brits around the world.
Here’s hoping it’s a sign of much more to come next year, with a host of tours and festivals set to get back under way too.
I can’t wait.
STRICTLY’S celebrity finalists were sensational on the ballroom floor and marked a key moment for diversity as coping with disability and sexual freedom were both showcased in glittering fashion.
Kudos also to the pair’s pro dance partners who helped bring the series to life and spark one of the best telly moments of the year.
