THEY may be back filming, but the EastEnders cast are having to stick to strict social-distancing – with crew members using two-metre poles to keep everyone apart.
So there will be a very different look when the soap returns for four shorter episodes a week later this year.
Here, Graham Wray imagines 20 storylines for a post-lockdown Albert Square.
1. New landlady Sharon helps Phil get acquainted with the Queen Vic’s Covid one-way system – marching him around the bar and straight out of the door marked “Do One”.
2. Ian Beale reveals his unique social-distancing method — his personality.
3. Having proved so popular with viewers during the Downing Street press briefings, bald Professor Chris Whitty joins the cast as the missing Mitchell brother. The one who hasn’t got cat litter for brains.
4. In a tribute to the NHS, Sharon changes the name of The Queen Vic to The Nightingale after the new East End hospital. They’ve both got the same cheery atmosphere and you wouldn’t want to spend a Friday night in either.
5. There’s a scare as the Square is hit by another terrifying, deadly virus. Or as she’s better known, Kat Slater.
6. Sharon’s home-bleached hairdo has to be quarantined. Not because of Covid. Turns out that white thing on her head is a poodle.
7. With the cast now having to do their own make-up, Kat has so many layers of slap that it’s impossible for anyone to be in the same room and remain one metre from her.
8. Mick Carter’s Cockney rhyming slang goes into overdrive. He’s heard advising regulars to use a pint of splosh (handwash) to keep away the Miley (Miley Cyrus — virus) before asking Karen Taylor: “Are you trying to give me the Come On?” (Come On Eileen — Covid-19).
9. Socially-distanced pub brawls are the new normal, with punches much like the new payment method in The Vic – contactless.
10. Hell-bent on getting revenge on Sharon and Ian, knucklehead Phil holds up the Queen Vic with a temperature gun. He’s charged with 39.4-degree murder.
11. The returning Kat takes advantage of the new meal deal voucher scheme and enjoys her first Five Guys. Then goes for a burger.
12. There is relief for posh lawyer Gray Atkins when his test comes back negative. But sadly for him, it was a personality test.
13. Poor Jean Slater. In lockdown she went further downhill, spending three months on the sofa in her pyjamas, eating her body weight in Quavers and developing a crush on “that nice Dominic Cummings”.
14. There’s a Covid scare at Martin Fowler’s stall when the market inspector maintains the turnips are too close together. Martin and Max agree to stand further apart.
15. After he receives a crate of dodgy meat from a Wuhan wet market, there’s a new special on the menu at Ian’s restaurant — Bat a l’orange.
16. At the entrance to the Queen Vic, Phil is seen filling out a track and trace form. Until someone explains that won’t help find his potato-headed brother.
17. In a cheerier storyline, Arthur Fowler’s bench in Albert Square Gardens is upended and set on fire after it is revealed that he once watched an episode of Alf Garnett’s Till Death Us Do Part.
18. After numerous disappointing nights of passion during lockdown, Ruby nicknames her new lover Martin Furlough — as he’s 20 per cent short where it really matters.
19. Sonia is asked to self-isolate after she displays one of the Covid symptoms. Then someone points out she’s never had any taste.
20. The revamped set reveals a huge new mural painted on the wall opposite the Queen Vic, depicting Britain’s next PM — Sir Matt Lucas.
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