DEAR DEIDRE: MY wife had a one-night stand with one of our daughter’s ex-boyfriends.
Now she wants us to get back together but I am not sure I could ever trust her again.
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We are both 49 and I thought our marriage was happy up to a year ago. I found out about her fling by mistake. I was innocently looking through her phone for a relative’s address when I found messages from three years ago between her and the guy. He was 20 at the time.
I confronted her and she broke down. She said she’d wanted to tell me many times but just couldn’t bring herself to confess.
Apparently he had been finding it difficult to get over our daughter and kept calling round our house.
One day they opened a bottle of wine and she was comforting him and suddenly they were kissing.
She said she was caught up in her feelings in the moment and they ended up in bed. She swore it only happened the once and they both regretted it afterwards.
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I walked out and we have lived apart for nearly a year. We met at our son’s birthday just before the lockdown and she looked ill.
She said she was missing me, and she’d made a huge mistake.
I didn’t speak to my kids for some months because they covered for her fling but we made up recently. My daughter says her mum hasn’t met anyone else since she was caught out and she would love for us to get back together.
She keeps asking if I am seeing anyone. I am not.
My wife has been texting me in a friendly way, asking to meet for lunch when we can. I just do not know how I will react. I do miss our lovely home but I know I still cannot forget her cheating.
I feel in such a quandary. The divorce is going ahead at the moment and everything tells me to let it happen.
DEIDRE SAYS: Of course it was a real kick in the teeth to discover your wife’s one-night stand and doubly so to realise your children had covered for her. But maybe that really shows how much they love you both and want your marriage to survive.
Your wife made a terrible mistake and was totally in the wrong, but does that one “crime” outweigh all the positives there have been in your marriage? When you look back, have you been blameless?
If cheating that once is totally unforgiveable for you, then it is better to let the divorce proceed.
But, if deep down you still love her, you may regret not giving your marriage another chance, especially if she moves on and finds happiness with someone else.
Keep an open mind about how lunch with your wife will feel.
My e-leaflet Cheating – Can You Get Over It? explains that it is possible, as long as you are both prepared to be honest and try hard.
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