WANT to get treated like royalty, bag a promotion . . . and have the best sex of your life? Then become a dominatrix. No, not literally, you don’t need whips and thigh-high boots.
Lindsay Goldwert’s new book Bow Down suggests that thinking and acting like a pro-domme (professional dominatrix) can make the world your oyster. In this exclusive extract, she explains how you can use the tricks of the trade.
THE art of domination mixes sensuality, performance, empathy and fantasy interpretation.
A pro-domme may act mean, or inflict pain, but the aspects of BDSM that seem hurtful or cruel are meticulously vetted and artfully applied. Clients aren’t looking for sex. They want AWE.
They want to give up control, shed their responsibilities and the burden of feeling in charge.
Responsible play is filtered through a framework of consent, negotiation, boundaries, safe words and respect.
DEMAND CONSENT AND LEARN TO NEGOTIATE. “Consent” is an essential term in kink. It means you and your partner are all-in for whatever happens.
Anything agreed on beforehand is fair game.
Yet outside kink, our consent and space are violated every day. Ask, “What are you into?” or, better yet, say: “Here’s what I’m into . . . ”
It is ludicrous how much time women waste trying not to seem overly demanding.
Mistress Ava Zhang says: “Are you asking permission to live your life or are you letting people know how you’re living? I don’t ask permission. I state what I want.”
START TO SAY: “I WANT”: In BDSM, a lot can go wrong if you aren’t clear what you want. It can even result in emotional or physical harm. New York pro-domme Lucy Sweetkill argues: “Saying, ‘I want’ is very hard for women. We’re not raised to say it with confidence. Instead, we say, ‘It would be great if . . . ’
“We have to train ourselves to say we want things.” Rephrasing questions as statements is an easy way to speak more powerfully.
Do you really need permission or are you just in the habit of asking? Say to your boss, “Here’s my report” instead of, “Can I give you this report you asked for?”
LEARN TO MANAGE DOWN: A pro-domme gives clear, thorough directions to her client. He wants to give up control and please her.
Sweetkill says: “Be calm and direct. Avoid fillers like, ‘So I was thinking . . . ’
There’s an art to being direct while also being courteous.”
When you want to speak with authority, don’t think of it as talking down to people, but giving clear direction so that you both get what you need.
Action words can sound alien. Sweetkill suggests recording your voice to hear how you sound when asking for things.
DEMAND ACCOUNTABILITY: It’s one thing to ask for something with confidence.
It’s another to ensure that you’ll get it.
Pro-domme Hudsy Hawn recommends speaking slowly and never overloads her clients with too much information when giving orders.
“There’s usually three basic things, actions, or concepts you can give your play partner to start off with,” she says.
And it’s always best to put it on paper. A good boss keeps track of the tasks she’s assigned each of the people reporting to her.
Whatever the power dynamic is, everyone benefits from accountability.
Don’t just expect your boss to keep track of what you talked about.
Accountability means everyone will do what they said they would do.
And if they don’t, see you later. This means not allowing yourself to be in circumstances where people can shrug you off and leave you feeling powerless.
BE A BITCH (NO, REALLY): It isn’t easy to be assertive when you’re learning it on the job.
I shudder to think how many times I’ve turned to colleagues in a panic and asked them to assuage my fears that I wasn’t coming off as “mean” instead of sure of myself.
But Boss Bitches aren’t “sassy” or “opinionated”.
They’re women who manage effectively and without compromise.
They understand how consent, negotiation and boundaries translate seamlessly into the workplace.
They never violate your trust or exploit your work. They know that power is given and can be taken away.
“The more we own words that are used to subjugate us in different ways, the more empowered we are,” says Sweetkill.
“So when somebody calls me a bitch for not smiling when they’ve asked me to smile, I’m like, ‘Yeah, damn straight I’m a bitch’. We must believe that we have the power to speak powerfully.”
BE A BOSS IN BED: Men have no qualms about demanding what they want in bed. So why should you? Just “being on top” isn’t a power position unless you know why you’re there and what you’re getting out of it.
Otherwise, you’re just doing all the work, giving the pleasure and providing a nice view to boot. But when you’re on top from a place of wanting to take what’s yours, to steer the whole ship, then you’re on to something.
Taking a dominant role in bed means asking yourself why you’ve done things the same old way and then daring yourself to change it up. It means you hold the script.
“For women, it can be something as simple as deciding what things interest them,” says Hudsy Hawn.
“You have to figure out what, as a powerful woman, speaks to you as a goddess, and then communicate that to your partner.”
