DEAR DEIDRE: I HAD sex with a guy at work after my sister died. I was thinking I might as well because life is short. But I have a brilliant boyfriend and now I am in such agony with guilt.
I am 21, my boyfriend is 23 and we have been together for nine years.
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My sister was three years older than me. She was in the last stages of pregnancy and everything went horribly wrong. They couldn’t save her and her baby died too.
I was heartbroken. She had always taken care of me when our parents were squabbling and Mum walked out, which she did from time to time.
I don’t think I would have got through those difficult times without her.
When I lost her I felt totally numb. It seemed there was a big black cloud hanging over me all the time.
My boyfriend tried to be supportive but it was clear he couldn’t understand how I felt.
He has never lost anyone close like that.
Then a new guy started at work. He was 33 and easy to talk to. It turned out he was grieving for his mother who had died three months before.
We found we could talk about our feelings and help one another. We felt closer and closer, and it led to us kissing and then a whole lot more.
But cheating is not like me. I am not that sort of person. I realise now how dreadful my behaviour was. My boyfriend would never do anything like that.
The guy at work has a girlfriend too and I started to wonder about her feelings if she got to know about it.
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I am wondering whether to come clean. It would break my boyfriend’s heart, I know, but I think it might ease my guilt about my disgusting behaviour.
I feel guilty all the time and that I don’t deserve the love of my wonderful boyfriend.
If I do tell him, though, he will want to know who the guy is and would get very angry.
It could lead to a lot of trouble, and I could not cope with losing him too.
DEIDRE SAYS: Trying to ease your guilty conscience by admitting what you did is not going to help.
Telling your boyfriend would just make him miserable and you would probably end up feeling guilty about that as well.
You were, and still are, under a lot of stress.
Losing your sister and her baby was a dreadful blow and bereavement does affect people in unexpected ways.
My e-leaflet Feeling Guilty? will help you deal with your anger at yourself for behaving out of character.
Get help for your distress. My e-leaflet Coping With Bereavement will help you understand how bereavement can affect us and find support.
