DEAR DEIDRE: HOW can I forgive my wife after she confessed to an affair with my boss, to having sex with a colleague AND with our next-door neighbour?
I’m 31, she is 27 and we have been married for three years.
I thought we were happy. Then we had a row about our sex life when I felt too tired after a long day at work and my wife yelled: “At least your boss would give me a good time in bed.”
She said she’d cheated before our wedding and during the first year of marriage with my boss.
I took her to my boss’s wife’s 40th birthday party when we were first dating. My boss got chatting to her, they flirted and he got her phone number. He started sending her expensive gifts. They met up and had sex.
“It just happened,” she said. They would check into hotels when I was away. She said she was consumed with guilt and wanted to tell me for ages so we could wipe the slate clean and move on.
I yelled: “Was there anyone else, or is that it?”
She reddened and admitted to sex with a colleague on a business trip, then with our neighbour when he came to catch a mouse in our living room when I was away. It was when we were first married.
She said she was young and stupid and now wouldn’t dream of doing anything so awful.
I couldn’t believe what she was telling me. I thought our sex life was good but she has a high sex drive and mine is low. I do turn her down sometimes. She admits she has faked orgasms with me.
Our sex life isn’t very adventurous but I thought she liked vanilla sex. She never told me there was anything wrong.
She says she loves me with all her heart and I’m glad we have everything out in the open but I feel lost. Is there some way we can get through this?
ONE or both partners cheat in a third of relationships.
Their lovers are in a bad place too, having fallen for someone who is not free.
Usually they stay put, leaving their lover broken-hearted.
My e-leaflet Your Lover Not Free? can help you decide how to handle a tough love triangle.
Email problems@deardeidre.org or private message me on my Dear Deidre Facebook.
DEIDRE SAYS: You can – if she is true to her word and her affairs are over. She has betrayed you in a huge way and needs to apologise sincerely.
The trust isn’t going to come back overnight but I do hear from couples who manage to kick-start their relationship after one of them has cheated and they make more effort to be focused on one another.
My e-leaflet Cheating – Can You Get Over It? will help.
At least you know one area of your relationship you can strengthen.
Have a check-up with your GP to ensure your low sex drive isn’t down to a hormone deficiency.
Ask your wife to tell you what feels good and what touches work for her.
You both need to take time to enjoy quality foreplay. The majority of women need stimulation of those sensitive areas to achieve orgasm, rather than regular intercourse.
My e-leaflet on Orgasm For Women explains self-help sex therapy in more detail.
Got a problem?
Send an email to problems@deardeidre.org. Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.
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