AT The Hotbed, we are obsessed with fantasy – a world where anything is possible. It is a private space in our heads where imaginations can run wild. Perhaps you find yourself in the plot of Killing Eve, sandwiched between Eve and Villanelle, and there is only one way you are going to be allowed […]
AT The Hotbed, we are obsessed with fantasy – a world where anything is possible.
It is a private space in our heads where imaginations can run wild.
Perhaps you find yourself in the plot of Killing Eve, sandwiched between Eve and Villanelle, and there is only one way you are going to be allowed out of the room alive. Or how about a double date with Michael Fassbender and Idris Elba?
Letting your imagination go where it wants while you are between the sheets can improve sex for both of you. A 2014 study by the University of Louvain in Belgium found that women who have “erotic thoughts” during intercourse are more likely to have regular orgasms.
Whatever it is that turns you on – be it watching your partner having sex with a stranger or lounging on a yacht with Simon Le Bon – don’t feel bad.
The beauty of a fantasy is that it is all in your head, no one else needs to know.
If one of the dads from the school run pops into your head while you are getting sexy, no problem, just keep him in your imagination.
What happens in our heads is often not a reflection of what we want to happen in real life, and when you begin to understand this, it can be very liberating. Just as we might find someone we do not fancy at all appear in a raunchy dream, fantasies can be random and not what our logical thinking self would approve of.
For our book, we asked 2,000 women what they fantasise about. Here are some of their answers…
MANY women say that even though they are heterosexual they fantasise about sleeping with other women. This can be a huge turn-on for your partner, too.
A RECURRING theme was getting hot under the collar at the thought of having sex with someone you should not. For example, your teacher, mechanic or doctor.
WOMEN liked to think they were the third wheel in both male/female and male/male set-ups, with the umpteen combinations of sensations that can happen as a result.
DON’T be afraid to share your fantasy with your other half. Talking about your fantasies can be a huge turn-on for both of you. Helping to act out naughty thoughts together can keep sex fresh.
MAYBE it is because we often lack body confidence – and worry about how long it might take us to orgasm – but being put front and centre where our pleasure is the ultimate goal, with time being no object, is a sure-fire way to get pulses racing.
SOME flipped the being watched scenario and liked to imagine finding their partner having a steamy shower or sleeping with someone else, as they stand there enjoying the show.
IMAGINING being cheered to orgasm by a group of adoring fans, or that you are pleasuring yourself at home when your partner comes in and watches from afar, was a big hit with our listeners.
IT all started over a few glasses of wine, and pretty soon Lisa, Anniki and third member “at large” TV presenter Cherry Healey were talking about sex.
Or rather, the lack of it.
The trio of mums discussed how a lot of women in long-term relationships were either too busy or too knackered to make love with their partners regularly – if at all.
Mum-of-two Lisa, from Richmond, South West London, says: “When you’re in a long-term relationship and your time is already stretched with looking after kids and working, then sex can often be well down the list of things to do.
“It’s squeezed somewhere below buying presents for kids’ parties and calling the plumber.”
The more the friends chatted, the more they realised there was a gaping hole in this type of sex discussion – the very different issues that arise when you’ve been in bed with the same person for years.
So on Valentine’s Day last year, the Hotbed Collective podcast was born.
No sex topic is off limits, from positions and porn to “maintenance sh*gs” and masturbation.
Anniki, also a mum of two, from Ealing, West London, says: “Our mission is to make life better – one orgasm at a time.”
SOMETIMES sex can feel like one more chore on the ever-growing to-do list, shoved below washing the car and filling out your tax return.
It can be very difficult to conjure up a fantasy if your mind is constantly whirring with work and family admin. People talk about having 18 tabs open at the same time and it is mostly women who bear the brunt of all this mental load.
Before you can start to indulge in a fantasy, you have to switch off all this noise. Here’s how…
Meditation is one way. There are loads of apps available – for example, Headspace or Buddhify – and they only take a few minutes to do. Even just one session will help clear your head and make you feel more relaxed, but if you can make it a habit then you will reap the rewards.
Relax in a long, hot bath. Maybe read a book or perhaps listen to a podcast. Just make sure you do not use the time thinking about the 50million things you have to do.
Watch a film that turns you both on. This does not need to be porn necessarily but could be something that features an actor/actress you feel attracted to or perhaps has a scene that really fires your imagination.
Go for a walk or do some exercise. Getting your heart pumping releases endorphins, the happy hormone, so you will feel good about yourself and be more likely to want to have sex.
Maybe you just need to say, “I’m going to set aside half an hour for myself when I don’t think about work or looking after other people”. Close your eyes and see what pops into your head. If you find your endless to-do list cropping up then get a pen, write things down and then get back to fantasising.
There are also lots of guided visualisations available online. Have a search around. These will potentially get you in the right mindset to suspend reality and step into a different world where you are shaping the scene.
TO understand what sort of porn is on offer on the internet, Anniki conducted an experiment in which she watched some every day for a week. Did she find it an orgy of visual pleasure or a total turn-off?
DAY ONE: I have never dressed up as a schoolgirl or had group sex. But all these things are run of the mill in your average porno. Am I too vanilla? Too boring? I also notice the sex is often rough, and there is zero foreplay.
DAYS TWO AND THREE: The men are like Jack Russells on heat, fast and relentless. Nobody got the memo that slow and sure can also win the race. I start to feel a bit guilty that I’m aroused by some of the clips.
DAYS FOUR AND FIVE: I’m worried the women aren’t enjoying it, worse that it’s painful for them.
DAYS SIX AND SEVEN: I’m jaded. I’m seeing testicles, penises and boobs everywhere. When I see a local dad in the park, I immediately picture two women standing on either side pleasuring him. It is definitely impacting on my mind – but I also feel like I want to watch more.
Anniki adds: “I think a lot of people watch porn but they don’t talk about it. It’s still somewhat taboo for a woman to admit, which is odd when it’s so freely available on the internet now and on our phones.
“I wanted to see what sort of porn is out there. But almost everything I saw was much more geared towards a male viewer than a female one.
“It would have been nice to see more foreplay for a start. I found it hard to enjoy if I thought the woman was faking it.
“And I was distracted by the surroundings and what the actors were wearing. If he had yellow Speedos on and slicked-back hair, it just wasn’t going to work for me.
“There has been research which tracks eye movement of people watching porn, and it shows women’s eyes travel all around the screen, because they are looking at the surroundings.
“For women, it all needs to feel real, the setting, the actors, everything, and they need to be turned on by the whole picture.
“We talk in the book about Make Love Not Porn where you can pay to watch ordinary couples making love.
“I actually find ordinary films where there’s some romance and a hot sex scene – movies like 9½ Weeks and all those old films I saw as a teenager – much more of a turn-on than porn.”
ONE issue with really letting yourself go during fantasy time is the guilt – you may feel the scenario that excites you is shameful in some way.
Perhaps it involves a person that you would not ordinarily be attracted to, or a narrative that is clearly something you would not want to happen in real life.
Just remember, the joy of fantasy is the fact that it is NOT real life and so you can really indulge your imagination and let yourself off the hook.
When much of our time is taken up with the rational side of our lives – as we plan and organise our work, family and relationship time – it is really liberating to just cut loose and enjoy whatever scenario comes into your head.
DOGGY style is the most popular position in the UK, according to a survey. Personally, we quite like the old missionary position, too.
Vanilla sex is fine. For most of us, sex is really about pleasure, not adventure. You can spend loads on S&M gear, but if your pelvic floor is shot, then sex might be painful for you.
Or you can do all the crazy positions, but if you do not know how to orgasm, it will not be satisfying long-term.
Don’t think you have to go through the Kama Sutra to have a good sex life.
In a long-term relationship, it is fine to fall into a pattern of doing the same sort of positions. It is not a bad thing.
