A HUGE challenge for the BBC, Wednesday morning. England’s women were out of the World Cup and they had to keep up the pretence of devastation for more than three hours. So up popped a final whistle picture and host Louise Minchin to show exactly how much they all cared. “Captain Steve Houghton there, being […]
A HUGE challenge for the BBC, Wednesday morning. England’s women were out of the World Cup and they had to keep up the pretence of devastation for more than three hours.
So up popped a final whistle picture and host Louise Minchin to show exactly how much they all cared.
“Captain Steve Houghton there, being comforted.”Yeah, Steve, Steve, Steve, how could you miss that penalty?
My introduction to BBC1’s Breakfast. Not a regular port of call because I’m a Good Morning Britain devotee thanks, in no small part, to the Great Sussex Doughnut hole, Piers Morgan, who took one look at its saccharine sweet format, back in 2015, and thought: “Sod that for roasting politicians and a few home truths.”
His tabloid instincts didn’t let him down. Its predecessor GMTV used to be such an easy ride Gordon Brown actually offered its host Fiona Phillips a Government job.
These days, Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn and PM-in-waiting Boris Johnson are both too spineless to go anywhere near the GMB studio.
BBC pay was the big story last week, though, so I had to desert ship for Breakfast, where I immediately discovered no one’s paid quite enough to work a five-day week and a squad rotation system is at play.
Thursday and Friday it was the horribly mismatched Charlie “errr” Stayt and Naga Munchetty, who are both on £194,999 but have so little on-screen chemistry they make Piers’ and Susanna’s squabbling sound more like Serge Gainsbourg and Jane Birkin — Je t’aime . . . moi non plus, Chunk.
Star pairing, however, are the undoubtedly talented and likeable Dan Walker (£284,999) and Louise Minchin (£209,000) who can actually bear to look at her co-host and almost won me over with Wednesday’s first link of the day. “Day three of Wimbledon and Carol (Kirkwood) isn’t looking quite so lovely.”
No. And you should see her at the end of the fortnight, Louise.
It’s not the clumsiness or the lack of chemistry, though, that make Breakfast feel like you’re stuck with Saturday Superstore when Tiswas is on the other side. It’s the content, which is a marathon BBC right-on whinge.
So you seem to get a “gender equality row” (zzz), followed by environmental armageddon and an “NHS funding crisis”, every day.
Three hours of that and, I promise, you’ll feel like you’ve been embalmed by pulped copies of The Guardian.
Ironically, the show also doesn’t seem to like anyone with a large salary and, on Wednesday, Tesco’s Dave Lewis was being asked by Steph McGovern if he was: “comfortable getting paid what you do”.
The brass neck it took to include that segment is quite something when you consider it had absolutely nothing to say about its own scandalously huge wage bill on Wednesday.
They even tried to gloss over it during the paper review when the story flashed up on the front page of every newspaper, although Dan Walker did admit: “Lots of people contacting us on that. We always appreciate your feedback.”
I hope, then, that Dan Walker appreciates me saying his show’s hypocrisy is every bit as nauseating as the BBC’s excess, ’cos no autocue reader should be paid anything more than £100,000 when pensioners are having to pay for their licence.
And if BBC staffers don’t like that figure? Well, they’re free to offer their talents to the private sector and I’ll be sure to tip Naga Munchetty heavily when she arrives with my Deliveroo order, as I really liked the pointed question she posed about a nuisance barnyard animal, on Friday’s paper review.
“Is anyone interested in a noisy cock?”
To my own surprise and horror, I am. Every Monday to Wednesday at 6am, on ITV.
BBC Breakfast, Wednesday, Louise Minchin: “The Daily Mirror concentrates on England’s World Cup defeat.” (BBC pay row).
Good Morning Britain, Peter Andre: “I’ve been up to lots of things, I don’t want to bore you with the details, but . . . ”
And Love Island, Amy to Curtis: “I would like some constructive feedback from you on things I could do differently.”
About as much she’d like a Bic razor and can of deodorant for Christmas, she would.
JEEZ, you think the Love Island contestants are thick, trying to work out if Barcelona’s in Spain or Italy.
Then Love Island viewers stick their oar in and, suddenly, Jourdan and Belle look like intellectual giants by comparison. Not all the viewers, obviously.
Just those few hundred who’ve got Ofcom on speed-dial and are forever accusing someone of “gaslighting” or claiming someone else needs to be removed “for their own safety”.
Clearly no one’s explained to these cretins it’s an ITV2 dating show, not Channel 4’s Dispatches, and objecting to jealousy or lust not only misses the show’s entire point, it threatens to ruin the meagre pleasures of watching Love Island.
For me, last week, that mainly involved trying to catch a single glimpse of George the builder, a blond Essex vacuum, who’d been looking like the sparest part in
Love Island history, until “partner” Lucie and Maura pulled him and Marvin aside for a Sunday night chat. Can he fix it?
Maura: “I’ve tried, she’s tried. There’s no point in prolonging this bulls**t. That’s it.”
No he can’t.
Top Gear jumping on the rainbow flag-waving bandwagon with the emptiest Pride gesture of all time.
People who say “challenging behaviour” when they mean “disruptive little turd”.
Snowflake Love Island fans complaining about absolutely everything.
Loose Woman Janet Street-Porter constantly name-dropping all her famous friends (“Elton”, “Liz Hurley”, Desert Orchid, Mill Reef).
And the Norwich City fan, on Channel 4’s Drag SOS, who thought the way to stand out from the Carrow Road crowd was wearing a tutu and wig, when ten fingers and two eyes really would’ve done it.
EASTENDERS had a real opportunity recently.
Louise Mitchell was locked in a shipping container, bound for Odessa, in the Ukraine, with plenty of space for the rest of the deadwood, Denise, Hunter, Kim, Denny, Bobby, Honey, Sonia, Bernie, Robbie and Adam, who could all have been as quickly for- gotten as Ben Mitchell’s forgotten he’s deaf.
Instead, some imbecile left a mobile phone inside the container, she escaped and the moment was gone for ever. Now?
We’re back to square one, with fewer viewers but even more psychos and abduction storylines.
They’ve also built a gay pub, the Prince Albert, and to create some demand the previously heterosexual Callum has fallen for the latest version of Ben Mitchell, who’s got his sixth head kicked in for his troubles.
The fifth incarnation of Bobby Beale has also just reappeared, possibly as a direct replacement for fellow whack-nut Hunter, which means the only potentially positive news, this quarter, is that crack-addicted, alcoholic prostitute Rainie has fled Walford, with toddler Abi.
Husband Max Branning has urged a cautious response, though.
“If Rainie finds out the police are on to her, she’s going to panic, run and go somewhere no one will ever find her.”
Hello, Walford CID? I’d like to report a missing a***-ache.
Alex Scott: “People now want to watch women’s football. And actually, not women’s football.”
Gabby Logan: “Everyone in the stadium was on their feet, apart from the Dutch fans. But even they joined in.”
Laura Bassett: “Ellen’s three best attributes are her movement and work rate.”
(Compiled by Graham Wray)
The Chase, Bradley Walsh:
“What nationality precedes blue and pastry in the name of two foods?”
Stuart: “Cheese.”
Gino’s Win Your Wish List: “What Q is Australia’s national airline?”
Tom: “Qatar.”
Bradley Walsh: “The Aloha stadium is a sports venue in what American city?”
Mari-Anne: “Brazil.”
Gino’s Win Your Wish List: “What V means to hit the ball before it hits the ground?”
Raph: “Ace.”
(All contributions gratefully received)
Rachel Brown-Finnis: “I’d like to walk down the street, with these Dutch fans, banging the Oompah-band.”
Well don’t let us stop you.
THIS week’s winner is Harry Hill and King Candy, from Wreck-It Ralph.
Sent in by Ricky James. Picture research: Marta Breese.
ITV2’s Love Island, post-Casa Amor. GMB guest Jimmy Tarbuck trying to flatter Susanna Reid by suggesting she might go on to “Try journalism”.
Nick Kyrgios’ and Rafael Nadal’s box-office Wimbledon clash.
The second episode of Channel 5’s Trawlermen turning out to be a minor gem, as the Celebs At Sea began to understand the everyday heroism of fishermen.
And Harry Hill’s Alien Fun Capsule, featuring an acting legend, who arrived on set in a rubber dinghy, to this savage introduction: “Patrick Mower, we’ve seen you in so many films and TV shows, but in recent years you’ve decided to close down all other avenues of work and concentrate on Emmerdale?”
