Are you getting enough? Sex, that is. Increasingly, modern life is taking its toll on long-term relationships. A recent Fabulous sex survey found that more than half of British women are dissatisfied in bed, while a staggering 32% have lied to avoid getting intimate with a partner.
Meanwhile, Google searches for “sexless marriage” are three and a half times more common than “unhappy marriage”, and it’s estimated that 15% of married couples have not had sex in the past six months.*
But there are some easy ways to reignite the spark. While you might never recreate the giddy excitement of your honeymoon days – kids and years of arguments over whose turn it is to do the dishes have put paid to that – you don’t have to settle for a passion-free relationship. The experts share their tips for putting the sizzle back into your sex life.
Smartphones have made it easier than ever to communicate, but how many of us only send messages to our partners that say things like: “Need milk,” or “Come straight home – the kids are driving me mad”?
Julia Margo, co-founder of sex toy company Hot Octopuss, says sexting is a great way to help ramp up the excitement in long-term love. “Once you’re past the honeymoon stage, it’s not so easy to just switch into sexy mode,” says Julia. “Sexting throughout the day allows build-up, so you’re both in the mood when you see each other.”
If you find it difficult to talk about your sexual desires openly, then sexting might seem daunting. But as sex counsellor Lianne Young explains, it doesn’t have to be an explicit essay about what you want your partner to insert and where.
“Sexting doesn’t have to be graphic,” says Lianne. “Simply saying how much you want your partner and how much you desire them will make them want you more, and vice versa. You could also consider sending a suggestive picture of what you are wearing under your clothes.”
Just make sure you double-check who you’re sending your saucy message to. And if you’re going to take suggestive pictures it’s worth making sure that your partner’s screen isn’t in easy view of prying eyes.
Simmering is the perfect method for time-poor couples who are struggling under the weight of an ever-growing to-do list. The idea behind this technique is that you and your other half need to get hot and heavy every single day – but only for a couple of minutes.
So while you’re waiting for the kettle to boil or have a few minutes before the kids come into your room in the morning, grab your partner and engage in some gentle neck kissing or arm stroking before separating and letting normal daily life resume.
According to sex therapist Stephen Snyder MD, author of Love Worth Making: How To Have Ridiculously Good Sex In A Long-Lasting Relationship, enthusiastic foreplay without any expectation of it leading to sex is the key to long-term mutual satisfaction.
“Simmering keeps the erotic climate in a relationship nice and warm,” says Stephen. “Most established couples neglect to get aroused together unless they’re planning to have sex – big mistake! It’s better to warm the engine a bit on a regular basis. That way, when it’s time to actually have sex, you won’t be starting cold.”
The best thing about this technique is that you don’t need to change much about what you’re doing in your existing routine. Stephen explains: “Simmering is the easiest sex therapy technique in the world. It’s free, takes less than two minutes and doesn’t require you to get naked.”
This sex-life saver was invented by writer Natasha Bell. She felt that she and her partner prioritised everything from council tax to cooking dinner above sex. So Natasha decided that instead of having sex last thing at night, exhausted and drained, it would happen within one hour of getting home from work.
Natasha’s rule works. You might feel a bit silly going straight to the bedroom when you get home, but it’s the time when you’ve got higher energy levels and more enthusiasm for your partner, because you haven’t poured it all into menial tasks. It also sets the tone for the evening. When you’ve already had an orgasm by 7pm, you tend to find yourself cooking dinner with a spring in your step. If you have kids, diving into bed as soon as you get home might not be practical. Instead, adapt the rule so that you go to the bedroom within one
hour of the children going to bed. Ezgi Ceren, a relationship expert for dating app Once, explains: “By prioritising sex you are showing your partner that you’re serious
about the relationship and that they are the most important thing in your life.”
Relationship charity Relate found that a major reason couples stop having sex is because they are too busy.
Setting an iCal reminder to get intimate might feel like the opposite of romantic, spontaneous sex, but making time to get between the sheets is vital when it keeps getting neglected.
Maintenance sex is when a couple schedules a regular slot in the week to get down to business. Sexpert Annabelle Knight explains that when a couple agrees to maintenance sex it can boost the libido. “The act of sex itself increases your libido, so the trick to having more sex is to have more sex,” she says. “Climaxing releases feel-good chemicals such as serotonin and oxytocin which help to make you feel sexy, so regular orgasms help to naturally increase your sex drive.
“Even if you get to your scheduled sex session and don’t feel like it, you can still have a positive experience. You could use the time for foreplay, or even just lying together enjoying each other’s bodies. Skin-to-skin contact with the person you love is never going to be a bad thing.”
The idea of making your bedroom life feel like an office meeting might seem counter-intuitive, but sex needs work and commitment. And while that might not sound very, er, sexy, the results certainly will be.
