[Two Pronged] Liberated lola and lesbian apo

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Liberated Lola (LL),

Thank you for your email.

No matter where you are on the spectrum between ultra conservative and ultra liberal, you are always going to have limits or red lines beyond which you are not willing to go. What is then important is how you deal with the situations that arise when you feel you cannot compromise.

In this case, LL, the message you seem to have given your granddaughter is that you are unfailingly there for her, particularly when she has issues with her own mother over her orientation. This has worked well for you both, at least till now.

It appears that this recent contretemps took you by surprise and of course your reaction took Anna equally by surprise. To be able to move forward, you will need to analyze why you reacted as you did since you will only be able to rebuild your relationship with Anna once you (and she) understand this. After all, if you were prepared to accept Anna and invite her and her various girlfriends to stay with you in the past, why this sudden volte face? What exactly were you objecting to this time? And how will that affect your relationship with Anna in the future?

I am sure you can imagine how hurt Anna must feel, having been so rejected by the one person she thought she could rely upon, especially given the intransigence of her mother. However, to restore any trust between you will require a clear understanding of your own boundaries and an equally clear explanation of them to Anna. Only with this accomplished will you be able to address issues such as whether to allow her to sleep over again.

All the best,

JAF Baer

Dear LL (Liberated Lola):

Thank you very much for your letter.  I guess we could also thank Mr. Baer for laying out very clearly the fastest (?) and most direct way to what you should do to restore your relationship with your granddaughter: First, try to know yourself more deeply by exploring your own issues, so that you understand what could’ve triggered such a strong reaction in you. Second, be frank with Anna, so that you and she can navigate your relationship with each other more openly, perhaps, even verbally if possible, to avoid misunderstandings in the future.

Accomplishing the first step may need therapy….or it may not since you already understand that “Something inside me just snapped” (thus you are aware of how you were triggered — something that happened in your past which was most likely before Anna was even born). You also understand that you reacted, like most triggered people do: with an act that seemed over the top. And not commensurate with what Anna did: “I told her under no circumstances could I allow that to happen.”

The other thing working in your favor is your ability to not only question your own behavior: “Was I too cruel maybe?”  but also be ready to do what you need to to make things better “Now I don’t know what to do.”

Why does Anna’s mentioning her plans to buy some lube for her special girlfriend upset you so much?  The simplest answer would be that this was too much information (TMI) as far as you were concerned.  Knowing Anna is a lesbian might be more comfortable to deal with than actually visualizing what she and her girlfriend might be doing that night — and in your own home too. Might you even be “jealous” that she has such a liberal lola in you when you never had that support when you were growing up yourself? Many clients have admitted feeling this way, but only after some deep soul-searching.

Might you be questioning your role in “aiding and abetting” such behavior?  The mere recognition that it is “aiding and abetting” implies that said behavior is unwanted – maybe even immoral? This is definitely something you might need to deal with more deeply.  What does it say about you as a “liberated lola” — a description you set great store by.  

Personally, I try to be joyful, even proud, about my attempts to not only understand, but revel in, my daughter’s and hopefully, my six-year old granddaughter’s  sexual choices throughout their lives. It hasn’t always been easy. 

This is more difficult because I know the onus is on me to accept whatever they wish to share (especially their sex lives) without either of us feeling kadiri to death (totally grossed out). 

It seems this acceptance of the “other” is more important on our end than on theirs. Let’s face it, most of our descendants (?) can live without us far more easily than we can live without them. It isn’t fair, and may not even be just, but that is the way of the world. As an evolutionary psychologist, I can’t help feeling that is the way it should be.

There is a lot Mr. Baer and I have given you to think about, which you may do on your own, with a therapist, and even with Anna…that way you can both grapple with issues as they happen, rather than your presenting her with a fait accompli.  This way forward — honest conversations between the two of you — may help you both look at what happened not so much as a problem to be solved, but rather as an opportunity to make a good relationship even better!  

All the best to you, my fellow grappling-with-what-the-best-thing-to-do-might-be lola,

MG Holmes

– Rappler.com