'We're starting a very complicated relationship. We still love each other. But we're both married'

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer:

Last year, I met again my first love and first boyfriend, which started when I was in my 2nd year of high school. Now I’m 42 and married with four kids.

We’re starting a very complicated relationship. We still love each other. He’s married, and his wife works as a manager in Singapore.

What should I do? I still love my hubby, but why have I fallen in love once again with my ex-boyfriend? Please enlighten me. Thanks.

Rita

Dear Rita,

Thank you for your message.

Just as it is not a given that each of us will be fortunate enough to meet a soulmate, so it is often the case that we may fall in love with more than one person in our lives.

This is potentially problematic of course if one or both parties are already married at the time. Faced with this dilemma, we have to juggle the competing interests of spouses, children, and ourselves, always within the context of cultural, societal, and religious influences.

Why have you fallen in love again? Nobody can answer this better than you, Rita, but here are some starting points.

Why did you and your ex-bf (let’s call him José) break up in the first place? What are the comparative attractions and deficiencies of your husband and José? Has your marriage become merely routine and thus “a very complicated relationship” adds a touch of spice and the thrill of the taboo to your life? How will you handle the fallout if your husband and/or José’s wife find out about your affair? What about your children?

You ask what you should do. However, it appears that you have already decided what to do. Upon meeting José anew, you embarked on an affair despite its inevitable complications and seemingly without much hesitation.

In the final analysis, you can take control of the outcome — leave your husband or José — or allow fate to dictate your future if and when the affair comes to light.

Best of luck,

JAF Baer

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Dear Rita:

Thank you very much for your letter. Thank you too, Mr. Baer, for answering both of Rita’s questions.

The first was: “What should I do?” to which you responded, in no uncertain terms, that the question is moot, because Rita has already done something — embark on a relationship with her ex-boyfriend. I agree that, after deciding on one course of action, Rita can still decide to continue or to stop, and maybe this column might help her clarify her needs vis a vis her wants even more.

I feel Mr. Baer has also answered your second question: “Why have I fallen in love once again with my ex-boyfriend?” Thus, I hope you won’t mind if we explore the possible reasons you may have phrased the question the way you did.

You see, phrasing your question in terms of love encourages us to answer focusing on love alone, thus encouraging your belief that the reason you have done what you did is simply because of love. An alternative way to phrase it could be: “Why was I so open to having a relationship with my ex-boyfriend, despite still loving my hubby?”

It’s quite likely you would get different answers depending on how you phrased the question. The way you originally asked it increases the likelihood that answers would not necessarily discourage you from continuing the affair because it is focused simply on him and you. If you had asked the alternative question, you may have gotten a more realistic answer because it would include your life as it really is: a married woman with four children.

Your way of asking is what is called a complex question; or, in Latin, plurium interrogationum (“ of many questions”). Why? Because your question involves a complex presupposition, presumed to be acceptable to the respondents (in this case, Mr. Baer and myself).

For example, if one directly answered the original question, “Do you still beat your wife?,” it would mean the one who answered did, in fact, beat his wife, whether he answered yes or no to the original question.

Your question, “Why have I fallen in love, once again, with my ex boyfriend,” presumes that you have fallen in love, instead of other possibilities like: “fallen in lust”, and/or “allowed myself to be seduced” etc. Your involving yourself in a complicated relationship could also be a fun, relatively romantic, way to wreak vengeance on your wayward husband (presuming he was wayward to begin with).

Your asking, “Why have I fallen in love…”, instead of “Why have I done what I did?,” makes it a complex question because it immediately presumes that you actually did fall in love with your ex, rather than embarking on this relationship not because of love, but for other reasons (like those stated above).

We Filipinos like to describe ourselves as a romantic people. What can be more romantic than falling in love with an ex? What can be less blameworthy than embarking on a relationship because of (a pure, more innocent, perhaps non-consummated since you were only a high school sophomore then) love? NOT an affair, mind you, but a relationship, complicated though it is, with someone you thought you (merely) once loved but, to your surprise, actually still love!!

Your question inspires advice columnists to wax poetic: (You have fallen in love once again) “because first love never dies” or “because he is your soul mate” or “because his very being resonates with yours” or some other equally romantic but so hard-to-prove reason.

Oh, Rita, if you only knew how many men and women have been seduced by the above rationalizations. The even more painful thing is, sometimes these reasons are true!

What should you do? I honestly don’t know. All I hope is that you feel as strongly for him as he does for you, and that as you let your feelings soar to the skies, you also allow reason, generosity, and kindness (to yourself as well as to your husband, kids, and even to his wife abroad) to keep you grounded.

All the best,

MG Holmes

– Rappler.com

Please send any comments, questions, or requests for advice to twopronged@rappler.com.

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