Dear Eric: My husband and I have been together for nearly 25 years, married for 15. We have two kids, 8 and 12.
I cannot say that our marriage has been good or easy or that staying together has been wise, and I could have written about a litany of challenges.
I have always quibbled with the labor imbalance in our relationship. For two decades, I have been the one who did the heavy lifting with household and family tasks: dinner, dishes, school paperwork, medical appointments, holidays, decorating the home.
Our 8-year-old was born severely premature, and that added a few years of weekly appointments with specialists, ordering supplies, hospital stays, and the like. Those were mine to handle, too. It’s been hard.
I deeply value opportunities to find joy in the special moments I’ve been able to create, as well as in my own successful career.
Last month, during an argument, my husband shouted at me that “all I do is make dinner.” I am shattered and I don’t know what to do.
Setting aside that making dinner most nights for the past 20 years is work itself, I feel like every vacation I’ve planned or gift I’ve wrapped or wall I’ve painted has just been a waste of time. What am I if all of these things were just nothing?
I was already on the fence about whether I should stay in this relationship or leave, but now my core sense of self is so shaken, and I feel so ashamed that I’ve spent my whole adult life on something so meaningless. What do I do?
– Invisible Labor
Dear Labor: I’m so sorry. Your husband is dead wrong, and I know you know this. It’s time to make a change for your own health and that of your kids.
You can give your husband the list of tasks you do, you can go on a strike, you can hash it out in couple’s therapy, but at the end of the day, is this a person who values you? You deserve to be valued.
The work that you’re doing to make your life, and the lives of your kids better shows that you value yourself. That value is what matters, not his uninformed insults.
He has wasted 20 years not seeing you, but do you really feel that the doctor’s appointments or homework help sessions or holiday decorations were a waste? Your children certainly don’t. What you did mattered.
However, without some kind of intervention – be it counseling or separation – I fear that they’re going to be influenced by his negativity and perhaps even take on his skewed view of labor or even of you.
See a therapist on your own, if that’s within your means, to sort through your feelings of shame. This will also help you get clarity about what future you want for your relationship, if any.
Dear Eric: My father-in-law is in a relationship with a person who makes staying at his home during a visit an awful experience for me, my husband and our kids.
My husband is not one to confront and is simply too kind and shy to stand up to this woman who has taken over hosting.
He also does not have open communication with his father to let him know his feelings or what has occurred during our visits.
She doesn’t even live there but makes him feel an unwelcome guest in his own childhood home. My memories of the last couple holiday visits are primarily negative because of her.
I want to stay elsewhere this time around to try to make it a more positive experience for us and our kids. If we stay elsewhere the whole family will know I’m the one making that decision.
Should I just do the same as my husband would otherwise do or simply tell my father-in-law we are staying elsewhere this time around without giving a reason. I do not feel it is my place to discuss the issues about this woman with him so I feel I cannot be honest.
– Fed-Up Visitor
Dear Visitor: If I had a family crest, it would read “No more sufferfests!” No more grinning and bearing it at the vacation rental no one actually likes or doing the holiday tradition that makes everyone miserable. No more sufferfests!
Give yourself the gift of staying somewhere else. I wish your husband felt comfortable standing up for himself, but I’m glad that you’re willing to advocate for everyone’s happiness at least.
Tell your father-in-law that you decided to try something new, but if he asks, tell him the truth. You’re family, too, and his partner’s behavior affects you, also. It could also provide an opportunity to make sure he’s OK, that she’s not running roughshod over what he wants or treating him badly in other ways.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
