He blames me, and he has been behaving disrespectfully.
DEAR HARRIETTE: Since my divorce, my 14-year-old son has been distant and openly disrespectful. He believes it’s my fault that his father and I split up.
In reality, I discovered that my ex-husband had been paying women for sexual favors, and I was disgusted and felt betrayed.
Despite this, I haven’t told my son the real reason for our separation because I want him to continue to respect his father, who has been a great dad to him.
However, given my son’s recent change in behavior, I’m starting to wonder if now is the right time to reveal the truth.
— Heartfelt Guardian
DEAR HEARTFELT GUARDIAN: Your son definitely needs your attention and loving care as well as a reestablishment of boundaries. What he does not need is a revelation about his father’s bad behavior.
You can explain to him that sometimes couples grow apart, no longer share the same needs or values or have other challenges that drive them to disconnect. While it may be hard for him to understand what happened to his family, both you and your ex love him and want the best for him.
What cannot work, however, is for him to continue to speak to you in a disrespectful manner. Remind him of how you taught him to interact with you and other adults, including what tone of voice is appropriate, making eye contact when talking, responding to questions, honoring time, etc. Tell him you expect him to communicate with you accordingly.
You may also want to get him a therapist who can have strategic conversations with him about his life and his future.
DEAR HARRIETTE: As a teacher just starting my career, I’m faced with a tough situation where I suspect one of my students is being bullied.
She often sits alone at lunch and seems to avoid interactions with her classmates. I’ve overheard hurtful comments about her appearance and abilities, which leads me to believe she may be a target of bullying.
I’m unsure about the best way to address this sensitive issue. Should I talk to this student directly about what might be happening to her, or should I seek help from school authorities to ensure she is safe and supported?
Finding the balance between protecting my student and not making things worse is a challenge I’m dealing with as I learn how to support the kids in the best way possible. I teach math in middle school.
— New Teacher
DEAR NEW TEACHER: I recommend a two-pronged approach.
Build a personal rapport with your student so that she knows she has an ally. Check in on her. Ask her how she is doing and if she needs anything. Do your best to get to know her, but be mindful that other students don’t observe you and take your kindness for favoritism.
Also speak to the school’s guidance counselor and ask for advice on how to protect this student. There may be antibullying measures already in place that can be engaged carefully at this time, or it could be that there’s simply another person looking out for the student in her potential times of vulnerability.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
