I can't comprehend why my daughter-in-law doesn't want family around her.
Dear Eric: My only son is expecting his first child in early July. I have been recently told by my son that his wife does not want anyone at the hospital, except for my son.
I am devastated. My parents, sister and husband are all gone. It was family time in the hospital when my son was born. I cannot comprehend the fact my daughter-in-law will not allow me to be part of this joyful time.
To be clear, I have no desire to participate in the birth process, only to be able to hold my first grandchild during their stay at the hospital before they go home, and the chaos begins. Any suggestions?
– Heartbroken Hospital Visitor
Dear Visitor: This special moment, with its firsts and its unknowns, is naturally stirring up a lot of emotions.
It sounds like some of those happy and nervous emotions are bringing up your grief. That is also natural.
Try not to put all of your emotional expectations on this hospital visit. Your daughter-in-law is not specifically excluding you. Notably her parents are also not on the invite list. This is how your son and daughter-in-law have chosen to navigate this transition, which is also exciting and nerve-wracking for them.
Focus on the parts of this new life stage that feel hopeful.
Perhaps you and your daughter’s parents can lend a hand to get the house ready for the return. Perhaps you’ll be a welcome antidote to the coming chaos. You will have so many chances to hold your new grandchild.
If you can gently release this aspect of your plan, I think you’ll find relief, and beyond that – joyful excitement.
Dear Eric: I met someone in real life, and I asked – via Messenger – if she would like to hang out.
The icons on Messenger say she has not seen the message. That may mean she saw the preview of the message as a push notification but didn’t read the whole thing. The part that shows up in the preview should get the idea across.
I share a community with this person, and we are in a large chat group in another messaging app, so I could get in touch with her through that app.
If I contacted her, I might say that I had sent a message through Messenger, and she didn’t appear to have seen it, and if she hasn’t seen it, she might want to look, and if she has seen it, then I’m sorry for this superfluous second message, which she can ignore. Or maybe that’s pushing too much?
Regardless of how this resolves, this person and I are likely to be in the same space as each other a few times per month going forward. And I would like to be friends, or – if that possibility has been squandered – not make things untenably awkward or unpleasant for either of us.
– Messenger Missive Messiness
Dear Messenger: It seems like there are more unspoken rules around social media-based relationships than there are around face-to-face ones. The anxiety produced can be enough to make one long for a less advanced time.
Give me the pastoral life of a letter-writing Jane Austen heroine, waiting weeks for news. Or, better yet, set me up with a cave wall and let me paint all of my correspondence on there.
For better or worse, here we are in the present, where our devices will beep and boop and notify us of far too many things. The information you’re getting from Facebook is all relatively benign, but it’s prompting you to put together a story in your head. That story is causing you unnecessary worry.
I’m reminded of a quote from a book titled “IRL: Finding Our Real Selves in a Digital World” by Chris Stedman: “Social media is a kind of fun-house mirror of society, in that it warps some things and reveals others, which makes it confusing to navigate but also fertile ground for the work of trying to better understand ourselves and the world around us.”
It’s good to have healthy boundaries with potential friends, but you don’t have to be as concerned about making a misstep with this particular person.
You write that you share space with this person a few times a month. If you mean you’ll actually be in the same room, try starting over the next time you see her.
Strike up a conversation. Ask about shared interests or hobbies. If the conversation is going well, you may choose to say, “I’m not sure if you saw, but I sent you a message about the possibility of hanging out. No pressure: but if it sounds appealing to you, I’m still game.”
Don’t worry too much about squandered possibilities. Friendships are built on many different points of connection accumulated over time.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
