How to use the internet to figure out what you’re into in bed
The following article contains an extract from Kink Curious: A Guide to Exploring Your Kinks, Dispelling Shame, and Staying Safe by Gigi Engle.
For many of us, getting kinky sounds very exciting. The idea of being tied up (or tying someone up) and spanking them into oblivion while wearing a leather corset and thigh-high boots is enticing, but we’re just not even sure where to begin with such a fantasy. This is because we have no idea if we’re actually into something or just like the idea of it. This disconnect can be further aggravated by feelings of shame and a lack of solid educational materials available for the kink-curious among us.
Further still, you might not even have fully formed fantasies or desires quite yet. It is possible (and normal) to have vague inklings of wanting to be submissive and degraded, but not be entirely sure how that would look for you. Or maybe you want to step into your power as a Dom who enjoys doling out spankings and punishments, but you’re scared sh*tless because you don’t know what kind of Dom you’d be or how you'd even be a Dom in the first place. And what kind of implements would you even want to use, anyway?
How do you begin to figure out what you’re into?
Honestly, a lot of kink educational materials that are available kind of miss this piece of the puzzle: How do you begin to figure out what you’re into?
Now, you might be 100 percent sure what kinds of kink play you’re into and what you want to try, and that’s fantastic. But I would still invite you to look a bit deeper with conscious curiosity to figure out if there are more kinks you’re into that you’re just not aware of yet, understand what it is about your kinks that gets you going, and consider how you might want to explore these kinks in your own erotic life.
Another pivotal question worth pondering: How important are these kinks to you? You might not have the answer right now (and that’s totally OK!) but if you’re here reading this, you might have very strong kinky predilections. The first place to start is a little self-reflection.
Questions to ask yourself
How important are my kinks?
Where do they fit into my identity as a human being?
How might my life or happiness be affected (or not affected) if I weren’t able to explore my kinks?
Understanding this can help you formulate a blueprint for how you want to incorporate kink into your life. For some people, kink is part of their sexuality. For others, it’s just something they take part in, according to Rea Pearson, a sex-positive BACP-accredited counselor and relationship therapist.
If your kinks are an essential component of your happiness and fulfilment, this isn’t anything to be ashamed of. It’s entirely valid. It’s just a matter of figuring out a way to incorporate them into your sex life in a way that works for you (and possibly a current or future partner).
Feel free to save this bigger existential question on the importance of kink until later down the road. You don’t need to have the answers yet. I only wanted to introduce it here so you could start to think about it as we unpack your desires.
Using erotic content for inspiration
Using porn and other erotic content is such an amazing way to start exploring different kinds of kink play and figuring out what gets you going.
It’s important that when we’re choosing erotic content, you’re looking for content that isn’t, well, sh*t. Mainstream porn (think free tube sites) is a form of highly stylized entertainment that is geared toward cis-het men. There are all kinds of questionable practices going on behind the scenes as well as in them. If you’ve ever watched a mainstream gang bang scene, you’ll probably know what I’m talking about. There is a lens placed on men dominating women, punish-f*cking them, with questionable consent (if consent is present at all).
Which is why we want to be sure that what we’re consuming is ethical. Now, you might be thinking: There’s an ethical way for me to watch a woman be turned into a human chandelier in a rope harness and be anally penetrated that is considered above board? Yes, this is correct.
With the rise of ethically made porn, stricter standards (standardized, fair pay for actors, STI testing, collaborations over scripts and scenes that take the actors’ boundaries into account, and so forth, just more human respect) are slowly being implemented in smaller indie studios. And this is super important for everyone involved—from the viewer, to the crew, to the actors.
Why is this important for you? Because you want to be sure that the kink content you’re consuming is high quality, with everyone enjoying themselves and practicing safely. Porn is not education — so don’t take it as a substitute for workshops, classes, or reading this book. This is meant to serve as inspiration.
Ethical erotic content for inspiration
OK, where do I find good ethically made material?
CrashPad Series
CrashPad Series is a queer, non-binary, and female-focused studio with authentic, playful, genuine connections and sexual expression with a diverse array of body types, presentations, identities, and expressions.
Royal Fetish Films
Royal Fetish Films is run by King and Jet Setting Jasmine and is setting a high industry standard in ethical porn with inclusive, beautifully made, and incredibly kinky content.
Bellesa
Bellesa is free-to-consume, curated porn made by and for women and femmes, with something for everyone, including plenty of kink.
Cheex
Cheex includes carefully curated erotic films from independent artists and production companies, plus erotic audio stories and educational resources with articles and interviews around sexual wellness and pleasure.
SPIT
SPIT incorporates photos, audio erotica, and videos from naked story time to partnered play, highlighting diverse sexual expression and taking viewers on an authentic journey through desire and exploration.
Erika Lust
Erika Lust produces movie-quality ethical porn and remains one of the top producers in the industry.
Dipsea
Dipsea is an audio erotica app with countless steamy stories and is a fabulous option for anyone who doesn’t enjoy visual representations of sex.
Afterglow
Afterglow is brand-new on the scene and offers inclusive, high-quality ethical porn for a wide range of desires.
You can also subscribe to OnlyFans creators that you particularly like. This is a great way to support your local sex workers — and find content that you want to see.
Using journaling to explore desire
Journaling is such a fantastic tool for figuring out what it is you’re into. Figuring out what you’re into is not about landing on a perfectly curated list of kinks or arriving at a fixed sexual identity. It’s about learning how to listen to yourself without judgment, letting curiosity replace shame, and giving your desires room to breathe. The internet can be a powerful mirror when used intentionally, reflecting back patterns, themes, and emotional truths you might not yet have words for.
What turns you on today may deepen, shift, or surprise you tomorrow.
You don’t need to rush this process, and you don’t need to have it all figured out before you start exploring. Desire evolves. Context changes. What turns you on today may deepen, shift, or surprise you tomorrow. By pairing ethical erotic content with reflection and self-inquiry, you’re not just discovering kinks, you’re building a relationship with your own desire that’s rooted in awareness, consent, and self-trust. And that, more than any specific act or label, is the foundation of a fulfilling erotic life.
Kink Curious: A Guide to Exploring Your Kinks, Dispelling Shame, and Staying Safe by Gigi Engle, published by Jessica Kingsley, is out now.