How doomed is Apple in 2026? Just wait and see

It’s a new year! Congratulations! We made it.

[Looks at the world]

Yay?

Okay. Okay. Yes, there’s… stuff going on that, admittedly, could be a bit better.

Okay, it’s a real mess. Like… almost everything. That thing. The other thing. Don’t even get the Macalope started on that. But let’s take a look at what we have to look forward to this year. Let’s just try, okay?

Do we still like iPhones? Mostly, right? Well, there are gonna be some new iPhones, at least one coming fairly soon and fairly cheaply. Apple is widely expected to ship an iPhone 17e in the coming months, providing an update to its most affordable model of iPhone.

Now, you may be concerned about Apple’s 2026 profit margin. “Gosh!” you say, “I hope they can make enough money!” You are so adorable. Before you shove some cash in an envelope and send it to Cupertino addressed to the Apple Profit Margin Support Fund, you should know that the company also plans to ship its most expensive iPhone ever later in the year.

What a relief, right?

Get ready, because we’re going to be talking a lot about the foldable iPhone in 2026. If you want to get started and have a 3D printer, you can actually print out a model someone has created based on the supposedly leaked dimensions of the upcoming device. The Macalope did exactly that over the holidays and, as a long-time iPhone mini fan, was somewhat surprised. Folded, the device seems too wide to comfortably reach across one-hoofed, but it sure feels good in the pocket.

Since Apple is not expected to ship many of these devices because of the price, and the company is expected to push off the baseline of iPhone 18s until 2027, something else we can expect this year is a lot of concern trolling over the number of iPhones shipped.

Returning to Apple’s cheapest products, the company appears set to ship a low-cost MacBook based on the A18 Pro chip sometime around March or April. The rent may be too damn high, but the price of MacBooks looks like it’s going to go down to “between $599 and $899”.

(Another Mac-related thing we might look forward to this year is an update to macOS that rolls back some of what was done in Tahoe.)

Vision Pro, meanwhile, remains a product in the Apple lineup. Just not a real contributor to the team. As the company keeps on putting out content for the device, it hasn’t given up on it yet. But after years of speculation about an update more substantial than last year’s speed bump, you might want to temper any expectations for a big update to the Apple Vision line in 2026.

One of your valued financial partners is getting ready to leave you for greener pastures this year. Yes, Goldman Sachs may finally rid itself of the turbulent business that is the Apple Card. On the bright side, it’s only lost a billion dollars on the deal so it’s getting out… before any real damage could be done? Does that sound right?

Those of you who worried about Apple’s profit margins may be wondering, “But will the company that takes over be able to hold a candle to Goldman Sachs’ level of sleazy?” It’s a fair question, as those are some pretty sleazy shoes to fill, but the top contender right now is JP Morgan Chase, which is no slouch in the sleaze department.

Finally, it appears that we will still have AI to kick around in 2026. Tim Cook claims on every conference call with analysts that the more conversational Siri is going great and the company has promised (again) to deliver it this year. This year, meaning this year, 2026, not last year, which was when they first promised to deliver it.

With a lot of signs that the AI bubble is beginning to burst, it seems like maybe instead of throwing more cash on the AI bonfire of the insanities, Apple’s money might be better spent on the next big thing.

Whatever that is.

The Macalope doesn’t know for sure, but he’s been hearing a lot of buzz about Skynet and the Torment Nexus. Might be worth looking into those.