I was in the pool with my daughter and had struck up a conversation with another kid’s mom when she invariably asked me: “So, how many others do you have?”
I winced as I heard the words “just the one” come out of my mouth, as if my daughter is not enough.
In my nine years of parenting, I’ve had various responses to the fact that I have an “only” — or a “singleton,” as some of us like to say. Some parents are oblivious, asking me when we’re going to try for another (never?). Others are extremely un-shy about sharing their “expert” opinions on the subject of having one child.
As the number of only children in America have only increased over the last half a century — 22% were only children in 2015, compared to 11% in 1976 — you might want to consider what not to say parents of one child:
You don’t know what a parent has gone through to have their child. It took me and my husband four years, ten doctors, nine rounds of IVF and four miscarriages to finally have “just” the one (costing tens of thousands of dollars!). You don’t know how much fertility, money or space a person has, so you can’t assume that they can have another child, even if they wanted one.
Besides, having a sibling is no guarantee that the siblings will get along or talk to each other when they’re older.
Some parents are one and done (“OAD”) by circumstance, others by choice. We might be happy to talk about it, if you can have the conversation in a curious, non-judgmental manner.
This reminds me of the questions that married people used to ask me when I was single — I got married at 40 — as they projected their own feelings onto me. Yet I was happy to be single for most of my life, and I wasn’t willing to settle down until I met my true love. This is the same for many only children: they’re happy that way.
My daughter, for example, adores being an only child and tells me so often. She loves me, her father and her dog — though I’m not sure in which order. She sees my sister’s son, who is the same age as she is, once a week and on vacation. “I can see my cousin whenever I want,” she tells me, “and then I can go home.”
It’s hard to believe that people will say this to your face, but it’s an age-old stereotype that parents blurt out.
In my daughter’s class there are three other singletons, and they run the gamut in terms of personality from self-involved to benevolent. (I’m not saying where my daughter falls on this spectrum!)
Let’s just retire that “selfish” word when it comes to parenting, because it’s thrown around all too often at moms: Plenty of OAD parents believe that having a second child to entertain the first is “selfish.” And many childfree-by-choice people think the whole enterprise of having children in general is a selfish one.
Some people are real long-term thinkers, and they don’t want the burden of elder care to fall on one child. It’s a nice thought, but having multiple children is no guarantee that they will share the burden of taking care of their parents.
Many OAD parents have decided they can’t afford more children, and want to focus their finances and attention on one child. That may also mean they can provide for themselves as they get older, so as not to burden their child with their care.
“Someone told me I’m not really a mom unless I have more,” one mom wrote in a OAD Facebook group that has nearly 40,000 members. That makes no sense, because we too have been pregnant, birthed a baby (or adopted), breastfed (or bottle-fed), stayed up nights, worried and sacrificed our finances, our careers and our very selves to raise a child.
Maybe we don’t have to deal with sibling rivalry or complex carpool spreadsheets, but we definitely count as moms just as much as those with more children.
“At drop-off this morning, some parents were stressing about having their kids home for the summer, saying, ‘It’s not going to be a vacation! The kids will be fighting all day,’” wrote a different mom in another single child Facebook group. She added that she was so excited for her kid to come home so they could hang out. “Thank God I’m one and done!” she said.
The truth is, even if you’re “one and done,” you’re never truly “done” being a mom. No matter how old your kids are ― and how many you have.
