There are many actors who play James Bond, but there is only one James Bond. It’s the same basic principle with Rhode Island Scumbags.
These icons — heroic figures to those blessed enough to have grown up in the state that struck America’s first blow for freedom, screeching goblins to the unfortunate majority who have not — arrive for a generation, leave indelible memories (in this case, of lost bets and winless Decembers) and fade into the middle distance.
This is all my way of telling you the smoke pouring from the hallowed split-level ranch near Conimicut Beach has gone from black to white. We have chosen a new Rhode Island Scumbag to lead us as our betting sherpa at For The Win.
The old Scumbag? He’s fine, retired to a farm somewhere upstate (which, in Rhode Island, is Massachusetts).
He was busy dealing with a newborn or defending his country or planning a class action suit against DraftKings for not offering odds on local high school cross country meets. It was a whole thing and if we’re being honest I tend to tune the guy out somewhere after the third or fourth time he refers to a grown man as “kiiiiiid.” He did say nice things about my Kyle Pitts pick in the draft, however, which excites me for the Atlanta tight end’s upcoming 400-yard season.
There were several candidates for the job from a fantasy league literally called the “Rhode Island Scumbag League.” Half of them are functionally illiterate, which helped narrow things down.
One falls for hoax tweets roughly once a week and may still be waiting for Julio Jones to be traded to the Patriots. One guy teaches poetry, so you know he’s swimming in too much cash to slum it up here. And I figured the guy who brags about his winning bets moments before grocery shopping at Dollar Tree would unintentionally make this column the kind of tragic short story only Hemingway could write.
Fortunately, our vice commissioner had been training for this with weekly league updates. That meant he could a) write multiple sentences without major grammatical errors, and b) that’s pretty much the only qualification here.
You may notice our new Scumbag reads, stylistically, like the old one. This may convince you this is some kind of elaborate cover-up to bury the Scumbag 1.0 and his horrible betting record with him. But I assure you, this is how everyone from Rhode Island sounds. Maybe not among mixed company out of state, but certainly when confronted with other Rhode Islanders or a bag of Iggy’s clamcakes.
Anyway, let’s let him introduce himself:
The smattering of readers will probably notice that something seems a little off with the Rhode Island Scumbag as we open the 2024 NFL season. “He seems more well spoken, more polished, and a tad less abrasive. What gives”? Well, there’s a reason for that. The Rhode Island Scumbag that you all know and love/loathe is no longer able to keep up with the rigorous commitment of sending Chinz a few paragraphs per week spinning soliloquies regarding his favorite wagers.
Luckily for everyone involved, our boy and resident betting/alcohol authority was able to pluck me from the annals of the RISL message board and see if I can hold a candle to the original Scumbag. Now what requirements go into one being bestowed such an awesome power, besides the fact that I actually live within the Rhode Island state lines?
My grandfather’s bar was one of the first in Rhode Island to install a projection screen TV in the ‘70s for the best Monday Night Football viewing experience. My uncle ran an NFL pick-em racket out of his backpack in high school. My grade school years were spent tagging along with my dad and uncles to meet their boys at hole in the wall bars, playing keno with my brother while my dad, uncles and their friends taught us how to bet on the ponies and read spreads. I like to think this has prepared me for the role. I’m looking forward to some friendly [ed. note: is it…?] trash talking with my boy Chinz as we duke it out for wagering supremacy.
Well, after a mere 700 words we’re ready to actual talk football bets. The Rhode Island Scumbag’s plays are below, followed by my non-scumbag picks.
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As far as the fans are concerned, The Las Vegas Raiders may as well be getting points at home. So-Fi Stadium will be overrun with the rabid black and silver covered faithful eliminating any home field advantage for the Chargers. This can only help In a game that could very well end up depending on which defense is able to take over the game.
Both offenses undertook major personnel overhauls, and could take some time to hit their strides. Taking a leap of faith in Vegas somehow seems safer than a hobbled Justin Herbert and his island of misfit receivers. Ultimately, I’m willing to put my faith (and two units) in a relentless Raiders defense and Gardner Minshew pulling some plays out of his butt and in turn invoking Minshew Mania version 3.0.
Todd Kirkland/Getty Images
This might be my favorite game on the Sunday slate for the dramatics alone. Arthur Smith goes to the AFC, only to have to open his season back in the NFC in his old stomping grounds of all places. The last time he walked off that field as a head coach, his idea of fooling the NFL by under utilizing his most dangerous playmakers (something my boy Chinz tried out during the RISL fantasy season last year to no avail) and winning games out of spite still bared a glimmer of Wild Card aspirations.
Now, those dangerous playmakers are joined by a revamped defense featuring a certain (sorely missed) red sleeved wrecking ball and through the roof vibes brought on by Raheem Morris and company. Mr. Unlimited Russell Wilson and the Pittsburgh offense didn’t look great this preseason, combined with Smith’s overthinking should make for a rough day for the Steelers.
Atlanta seems to be ready to turn a corner, and an offensive explosion led by the trio of freed Kyle Pitts, Drake London and Bijan Robinson happening in Smith’s face while he’s forced to watch from the opposing sideline is too good for me to pass up for two units at -3.
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The tale of two franchises on opposite paths collide in New Orleans, and I’m all for backing the upstart Panthers in this one. The Panthers revamped wideout room and improved O-line should help Bryce Young look more like the prospect he was supposed to be, rather than the train wreck that we all witnessed last year.
Then we have the Saints. What have they done to make anyone believe that they should be four point favorites in this matchup? Chris Olave has another year of experience and a good offensive system to build off? Cool. I’m pretty sure he had one of the worst (if not the worst) catch percentages on deep balls in 2023.
Did Derek Carr magically develop the ability to hit him in stride 40 yards downfield? He IS still the QB for as long as he can hold off the Rattlesnake. Alvin Kamara is 47 years old in RB years. Juwan Johnson is just getting back from injury, and Rasheed Shaheed can only do so much. We are simply asking Carolina to keep the game within a field goal. I honestly believe this is attainable. I’ll take Carolina and the points for two units on this one.
Last week: n/a
Last year (with a different Scumbag): 31-26-1 (.544), -5.2 units
IndyStar
In my weekly picks column, I talked about how I think the Colts, with their cohesion and receiving depth, can create a problem for a Texans team facing a ton of pressure to go above and beyond last year’s breakthrough. I’m still on board, but getting three-plus points at home is a nice bonus.
I’m a little confused by the Bucs’ line, as it suggests a Commanders team that was second-worst in the NFL last season and still very much in a rebuild is on equal footing with Tampa on a neutral field. I understand Dave Canales’s departure could have a dynamic effect on Baker Mayfield’s play and that the Bucs’ run offense is still unimpressive at best, but still. Washington’s preseason cuts suggest 2024 is all about separating itself from the Ron Rivera era and building long term, not necessarily fielding the best players it can this fall.
Last week: n/a
Last year: 41-18-4 (.695), +23 units
