It was my own fault. I had purchased 10 packs of my favorite smokes for about 6 bucks each in West Virginia on my way to the airport last week, but in a very me move I left them in my car.
This was bad enough in San Francisco, my first stop, where a package of 20 sticks of momentary bliss costs an absurd 15 dollars but in Chicago, my mind and wallet were blown when the 7-Eleven cashier rang up my two packs for 40 dollars.
Why not a hundred? Why not a million?
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First of all, this is pointless. I asked the concierge at my hotel about it and he told me, "Nobody who lives here pays that, we buy them at underground stores."
"What, like from Indiana?" I asked, "Exactly," he replied.
I knew this game from New York City where every other bodega has $9 dollar smokes from Virginia. In fact, if you stop a smoker on the street in Gotham the chances are their pack has a tax stamp from the Old Dominion.
But it isn’t just that this exorbitant taxation doesn’t work. In fact, the rates of smoking are basically consistent no matter how much cigarettes are supposed to cost. It's just insulting.
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As a smoker, and all of us have this story, I can be standing by myself, out of the way, and some person will make a face at me, or comment, "Disgusting!"
It is bizarre behavior, nobody goes up to a fat person eating a Big Mac and says, "How can you do this to yourself?" Because that would make you a jerk. Chicago also doesn’t tax a Big Mac to make it 20 dollars.
The only thing I can really compare the maltreatment of smokers to is those times during COVID when somebody from 30 feet away would scream "Mask!" if you didn’t have one of those pointless pieces of cloth over your mouth.
And it is the same instinct, it has nothing to do with health or safety, it is all about feeling morally superior, the opportunity to look down on your fellow man and feel like you are better than they are.
The expense of smoking in our big blue, Democrat-run cities has become so high that it is now normal for people to offer a dollar or two to bum a smoke, but real smokers never take the money.
Because you know what is worth more than a dollar? Spending three minutes with a stranger and hearing about them, their life, their story, and I get to do that almost every day.
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Tomorrow, country roads will take me home to the place where I belong and I’ll have 10 packs of cheap smokes waiting for me. But for the rest of the country where nagging ne'er-do-wells want to run everybody’s life, these absurd prices will persist.
Our whole freakin’ country was founded upon the opposition to unfair taxation, but when it comes to smokers, even George III couldn’t come up with such punitive measures.
But I will tell you this, they cannot and will not stop us. We shall smoke in Chicago, we shall smoke on the seas and oceans, we shall smoke on the beaches, we shall smoke on the landing grounds, our lighters we shall never surrender.
So go ahead, feel smug and superior as you walk by us, we don’t care. Tax our smokes all you want; we’ll find a way around it. This is the United States of America, for God's sake. And we will do what we want to do, not what the government wants us to do.
Here endeth the rant. Go in peace. And if you need a smoke, I’ll be down on the corner.
