My daughter drew her boundaries: I can't live in the same town.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I just read your reply to “Seeking Balance,” the young soon-to-be-mother whose mother-in-law wants to come visit and “help” for two months. I so disagree with your reply!
I moved from one state to where my daughter lives when she had her first baby. Now she is about to have her second child. While I live 15 minutes from her, I am in a neighboring town. That is the closest she was willing to have me live.
In no way should the MIL come to visit for an entire two months after a new mother has just given birth! You said “only” two months. That is a long time.
New mothers are exhausted. My daughter and her husband get to take two months of maternity leave.
Seeking Balance needs the time alone with her husband and her baby to get used to it all. The MIL has no business coming for two months. A week, maybe! Your reply to her was incorrect!
— Grandma in California
DEAR GRANDMA IN CALIFORNIA: Thank you for your response. You and a few others have shared a similar view: Two months is too long.
I will add — it’s too long unless the extended stay is welcomed by the new parents.
As you point out, boundaries are most important. That includes creating intimate space for the new family to learn how to care for the newborn and for them to get to know their child and learn how to help each other and grow as a unit. Even the most well-meaning grandmother could be in the way during this intimate time.
Thank you for adding your knowledge to this discussion.
DEAR HARRIETTE: During spring break, I visited my boyfriend’s hometown, where I met his extended family, known to me through his sister’s stories.
She had mentioned that most of their older male cousins were sneaky and playful. Throughout my stay, my boyfriend’s favorite cousin repeatedly tried to flirt with me and asked for my social media handles. I repeatedly rejected his advances and avoided any further interaction.
Now that we are back at our apartment, I am wondering whether to tell my boyfriend about this, but at the same time, I’m not sure what would be the sense of that. I wonder if it is best to keep it to myself.
— Boyfriend’s Sneaky Cuz
DEAR BOYFRIEND’S SNEAKY CUZ: Don’t keep this from your boyfriend, but also don’t make it a huge deal.
As you two review the highlights of your trip to meet his family, share some of the positive things that occurred. Who did you meet and hit it off with? What did you learn? What did you do?
But also tell your boyfriend that his sister was right: She told you that most of their older male cousins were sneaky and playful. Much to your surprise, the one who stood out was his favorite cousin, who overtly made advances to you during your stay.
Tell your boyfriend what happened and how you handled it.
Yes, this could cause a family fight, at least for a short time. But keeping it to yourself could cause a worse blow up the next time you visit. Your boyfriend needs to know.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
