I was the youngest of my siblings and my mom worked hard to spoil me. When I was employed, I made sure to spoil her too. But now she helps me pay rent.
Courtesy of the author
I slumped over the toilet seat, my body yearning to crouch into a fetal position, as my voice cracked out into a sob. "I feel useless," I cried to my mom.
I had just logged into my bank account and saw the negative amount in a glaring red.
It's not like I hadn't experienced this before — this happened often when I took a leap of faith to freelance full-time several years ago — but it was the timing. It was one year and three months since I had been laid off from my most recent full-time job, two months since my older sister died, and my birthday month. I felt like I was drowning.
About three years ago I changed careers, and that came with an incredible pay raise.
I'll never forget the superhuman strength it took to perfect an unimpressed poker face when the recruiter rattled off the base salary of a tech job I was interviewing for. It was more than twice the salary I had been making as a journalist. I saw the luxurious life I had dreamed of before, finally happening.
My mom worked extremely hard as a single mother to provide for her children. As the youngest child, she spoiled me. All it took was a full-cheeked pout and dramatic tears to convince her to buy me one of the many Barbies I coveted. Though we weren't rich by any definition, she introduced me to fine clothes and fine dining so that I wouldn't accept less-than from any man who dared to court me for my heart.
So with this new salary, I was immensely excited to be able to spoil her in the same way, and to be able to help her with her burdens.
I learned a lot about money the hard way.
For example, the amount of taxes taken out for a single and childless person who enters a new tax bracket is astounding. It's one thing to know this in theory; it's quite another to see the stark difference between gross and net pay on your very own paycheck. And, of course, six figures only goes so far in Los Angeles. Still, I had enough money to save properly, while also enjoying my life in a way I hadn't had the privilege to do before.
But, I was laid off from that first tech job after about a year. I survived off unemployment insurance and a decent severance package and as soon as my severance ran out, I was offered another six-figure job at a marketing agency. It was a little less than I made before, but it was still good money. The cosmic timing made me feel good, and we continued with the lavish lifestyle sprinkled with Dom Perignon champagne.
The next layoff took about six months, and the severance wasn't nearly as cushy. I was shaking with a combination of shock, rage, confusion, and fear as the two-person panel told me with long faces that my position had been "affected by a reduction of workforce."
I know the general advice is to have at least six months of savings. I had saved that suggested amount of money and then some, and I still ran out of money. I exhausted the unemployment, maxed out credit cards, severely downgraded my lifestyle, and acquired several personal loans. I also applied to over 2,000 jobs.
At one point, that wasn't sustainable enough and I had to swallow my Leo-sized pride and approach my mom with shame despite her always insisting that we are a team, no matter what.
I live with my cousin, which has helped a lot, and my mom pays for my rent. I'd likely be moving back to my hometown of Chicago and into my mom's house if wasn't for her support.
Though things aren't as barren as they were a few months ago, finances are still top of mind and the main source of my stress. I know there will be an uphill climb to financial security again even when I do get a new well-paying job. I know that I'll be extra-extra-cautious by saving and investing, while also knowing just how unpredictable today's job market is in a way that is impossible to fully prepare for.
As I stare at my modest yet thankfully now-black checking balance, I have one light within my tunnel vision: I can't wait to lean into financial freedom and spoil my mom again.
