When introducing a new partner to your child as a single parent, it can bring up complex emotions. Here are four tips to make dating again easier.
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Dating comes with enough challenges already, and dating as a single parent can feel even more daunting. You have to consider how the romantic connections you form will impact not only your life but also that of your child.
If your child is having difficulty adapting to a new partner's presence in your life, it may raise some initial concerns. However, there are steps you can take to make that transition a little easier.
Your child may be feeling a range of emotions after meeting your partner. Laura Markham, clinical psychologist and author of "Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting," told Business Insider that your child could be experiencing anything from hope, grief, anger, resentment, and even jealousy simultaneously.
It might be easiest to focus on the most visible emotion — say, anger — but there could be others underneath the surface. It's important to try to understand what else could be going on that you're not seeing, as well as what's fueling those emotions so that you can help your child work through them.
"Children always respond with some confusion about their parent's new partner and what's different," Ron L. Deal, a licensed marriage and family therapist and creator of SmartStepfamilies.com, told Business Insider. "Confusion means 'I'm not sure what to do with you, where to put you in my heart, or what role you're going to play in my life.'"
Deal offered additional insight and said that what parents perceive to be a negative reaction can often be more about their child experiencing confusion rather than an outright rejection of their partner.
Communicating with your child may seem like an obvious tip, but the type of communication that will more positively impact your child's transition to getting to know your new partner requires intentionality.
Samantha Rodman Whiten, a clinical psychologist and host of "The Dr. Psych Mom Show" podcast, told Business Insider about the importance of parents having an open discussion with their child where they center the idea that the adult is free to live their own life.
Deal agreed that it's important to keep an open line of communication and that it's also important to talk with your child about decisions you're making in your relationship. Deal said having a conversation with your children where you ask questions such as "What if I went out with him exclusively?" and "What if you met his children?" and "What if I got engaged?" could help facilitate the process of keeping your children a part of your growing relationship.
When you've found yourself in a positive relationship, your initial reaction may be to dive headfirst into the new connection. While your new relationship could increase your overall quality of life and, with time, the life of your child, they may still need grace during that process. It's important to remember that your child's timeline for establishing a level of familiarity with your partner may be different from yours, and you should allow it to unfold organically.
"I recommend a slow warming-up period," Whiten said. She also said that "with some people, all of a sudden the partner is joining every activity from go," which can potentially lead to a resentful emotional response from a child.
Markham agreed that slowing the pace down can be helpful and said, "It's just a hard thing for a child of any age to have their parent move on into a new relationship."
Just as you and your child may be responding to your new relationship differently, it's important to remember your child's experience of you separating from their other parent may be different than your own.
"The divorce might not be a tragedy for you. You might be so liberated from that divorce, but it's a tragedy for the child," Markham said.
If you feel that dealing with your child's struggle with your new relationship is outside your wheelhouse, it's OK to outsource help from professionals.
Markham said that family therapy for parents and children when the child is struggling to adapt to their new relationship provides the opportunity for the parent "to really hear your kid" and allows the child to cry about the loss with their parent present in a way they may not have otherwise.
No matter what your child is dealing with as they adjust to your new partner's presence in your lives, there are tools you can use in your home and through the support of others.
