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Dear For Love & Money,
I am the oldest of four siblings, and our parents are both addicts. I learned a long time ago that my siblings' survival depended on me. I've been cooking them meals since I was eight years old, which turned into me working odd jobs to afford groceries.
I have forged my parents' signatures on permission slips and other school forms for nearly as long, and I've always been the one to help my brothers and sisters through illness, relationship problems, bullying, etc. In every way that matters, I am more of a dad than an older brother to my younger siblings.
I am getting ready for my senior year in high school, and I am looking at my college options. The ones I want to attend are hundreds of miles away. My younger siblings are now 10, 13, and 15, and I want to tell myself they'll be OK if I leave, but then I look at my parents and feel anxious.
I would feel less concerned about going to an out-of-state school if there was something I could do to keep them afloat financially while I'm away, but I'm not sure if working full-time to send them money while I am also a full-time college student is something I can manage. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Worried Big Brother
Dear Big Brother,
If no one has told you lately, you're incredible. You have carried the weight of a family on your shoulders far too long and began far too early. You've been dealt a rough hand in life, yet when I read your description of the situation, I detected no complaints or resentment. You don't even seem to be looking for a way to escape your responsibilities; rather, you want to keep handling them while also tending to your own future.
So, before I move onto practical ways you can take care of your siblings and yourself in the coming years, I want to applaud you. You kept your family together, your siblings fed and in school, and yourself on track for higher education. You didn't have to do any of those things. No one would have blamed you if you hadn't, and still, you did them.
If your siblings don't already recognize how lucky they are to have you, I assure you they will someday. As for today, for whatever it's worth, this columnist is proud of you and honestly moved to tears by your resilience.
Alas, being told how strong you are by idle bystanders is hardly helpful, so let's focus on a few ways you might lighten your load.
Since you're headed into your senior year of high school, you are likely around 18. From a financial standpoint, you will have more opportunities open to you when you reach legal adult. For instance, once you are 18, you could open a high-yield savings account and contribute whatever you can to it now and when you're away at college. You may not be able to put food on the table every day anymore, but having cash on hand to give your siblings when they call you with emergencies will give you peace of mind.
You can also begin assisting (and, if necessary, pressuring) one or both of your parents to sign up for social programs like SNAP, Medicaid, and more. Knowing that your siblings have social support, if not parental support, when you leave for college will at least keep you from worrying about them missing meals.
Unfortunately, up until now, you've been forced into a position of hyper-independence, but try to remember you aren't alone. Talk to your school counselor or other trusted adults about your situation and see if they can help you find the right forms and programs to assist you and your family.
This goes for my next piece of advice as well: Don't underestimate how taking care of yourself will, in turn, help your siblings. Apply for scholarships and look into need-based financial aid options.
The search can be daunting, but remember you are far from the first kid below the poverty line to attempt to pole vault over it with the help of a college degree. Many programs, grants, and scholarships are designed for people in your exact situation. Don't be shy about asking for help finding these options, either.
Another way you can help your siblings when you're gone is to prepare them for it now. As unfair as it is that you had to grow up so fast and early, you did what you had to to survive. Your siblings were born into the same life, and one of the best things you can do for them is to teach them how to survive as well as you have. They must learn to push through, make mature decisions, work hard, and look after one another. Fortunately, they have your hand to hold on the journey. I am so sorry you never had this yourself.
If I've ever believed someone was capable of building themselves the life they deserve — it's you. The guy who has spent his own childhood creating security and stability for his siblings; that guy will surely go on to do amazing things. I'm sure of it.
Rooting for you,
For Love & Money
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