I grew up in a big family and my parents didn't discipline us. I decided to adopt an authoritative parenting style with my kids, and it works.
Courtesy Beth Rush
People always think the Brady Bunch had a wild family — until they hear about me and my 16 siblings.
My parents always wanted to give us the best childhoods by creating a safe environment for everyone to be themselves. That's why they had me and my three biological siblings, then adopted 13 other children.
Our parents adored us, but they also lacked the ability to discipline us when my siblings and I inevitably butted heads. They were always so exhausted from our busy lives that they struggled to keep everyone in line.
I grew up seeing how constant chaos with no discipline didn't create the best environment. Some of my siblings lost faith in authority figures. I knew my future parenting style would incorporate more authoritarian discipline, which has proven to be the best thing for my 5-year-old son and 8-year-old daughter.
Evaluating my family's dynamics as a kid made me vow that my kids would always know there were consequences for poor choices. When my husband and I decided to have children, we discussed how we'd raise them. I wanted to parent them from a place of logic while prioritizing discipline in response to bad behaviors.
That kind of authoritarian parenting means having age-appropriate conversations about how actions have consequences in addition to enforcing those consequences, like temporarily revoking some of my kids' childhood privileges.
My role in parenting our kids is more logical. I understand that both having conversations with kids and enforcing consequences help them learn to do better next time.
Meanwhile, my husband has always handled our children's emotional well-being more naturally. He's there to guide us through the first step while we talk with our kids about how they can do better next time.
Our parenting style encourages emotional stability while equally enacting the consequences that help our children grow into better versions of themselves.
Don't get me wrong—I'm a softie deep down. Disciplining my children is hard. In those moments, I remind myself they'll achieve greater things because they developed core values and an understanding of consequences.
We channel both of our approaches through disciplinarian actions and kindness. This gives our parenting a higher purpose than just trying to keep the peace to get through the day as a family.
I've thought about how I would parent my kids for decades. Even as a teenager, I saw how important it was to give attention to your children because my parents didn't always have the time to do so. And for good reason — they rarely had a moment to rest.
I keep these values in mind during moments like yesterday. My husband and I had to enforce our authoritarian parenting style in the grocery store, even though we were rushing to get home.
Our 5-year-old son grabbed a box of mac and cheese off the shelf and threw it in our cart. While I put the box back, my husband told him it wasn't on our list.
Our son immediately started crying and yelling. He said we were mean, which I shut down right away. I told him he couldn't speak to us like that because he needed to respect us, and if he said it again, he'd lose TV privileges after dinner.
The crying continued as we walked down other aisles. When my husband shushed our son, he repeated that we were mean. When we got home, we stuck to our word, and he didn't get to watch "Paw Patrol."
My parents would have tried to quiet him in the store and eventually given up. Instead, my husband and I explained why our son's language was wrong before enforcing the promised consequence.
While our son pouted in his room later that night, we talked about why respecting us was important, how much we loved him, and how he should apologize. I know he'll learn over time that he can't do whatever he wants, which will make him a happier adult who people love to be around.
Last week, we also discussed how our actions have consequences with our 8-year-old daughter. She wanted to ride her bike to a friend's house after dinner, but it was too late on a school night. My husband said no, and our daughter rolled her eyes and ran to her room, slamming the door behind her.
We immediately went to her room and told her we don't do either of those things because they're disrespectful. She needed to apologize and accept her punishment — no bike for the rest of the week.
She's old enough to see how other parents treat their kids, so she pointed out how her best friend slams the door and never gets punished. She thought it was unfair that other kids could express their anger without punishment while she couldn't.
My husband told her she was allowed to feel mad. He also explained she should tell us about her feelings with words so we could work through them together, and said that would be more helpful than slamming doors or rolling her eyes.
He made a great point by asking how our daughter felt when her best friend rolled her eyes at her. My 8-year-old said it was annoying. I saw her realize in real time that it wasn't as helpful as talking through her feelings.
When we need to take a loving approach to discipline, we do so by discussing why their consequences happen and how much we love our kids no matter what. I believe that our kids benefit from my slightly emotionally detached, logical approach and my husband's strength in emotional vulnerability.
Enforcing rules sometimes makes me feel like a bad mom, but those moments when I see the lightbulb spark in my children's minds are worth it. When I doubt myself while setting boundaries or making disciplinary decisions, I remember that we're preparing them to be well-rounded adults.
My kids are incredible now, and they'll be even more amazing in adulthood because we are committed to consequences.
