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After having my son nearly three years ago, I struggled with an almost debilitating embarrassment about my performance as a mother. His birth unleashed a sense that I somehow wasn't good enough, so I would have to overcompensate to be a good parent.
This translated into a profound self-consciousness, which meant I had a difficult time parenting in front of most people, including some of my son's relatives and total strangers. The great irony is that I've also never felt more invisible than I have since becoming a mother, yet still, I felt like I'd be harshly judged whenever I was out in public.
As someone who has lived with anxiety, depression, and OCD since I was a child, I cannot recall what it is like to be mentally well. So it shouldn't have come as such a surprise that I was so full of shame, as OCD, in particular, thrives on this particularly negative emotion.
One of my worst experiences was having to look after my son in front of a foster carer at a family reunion, as I was so worried that she would be unimpressed with my efforts. As she was a 'professional parent,' used to looking after children with all kinds of needs, I believed she would see through my amateur façade. I didn't know what to do, so I made an excuse and took my son somewhere else to play.
When I was out in public, sometimes I would even pointlessly tell my young child not to do something just because I believed that was what people expected of me. I could feel the shame manifesting in my body as I hunched up to try to make myself as small as possible while at a play center or park.
These feelings reminded me of starting school when I felt anxious and unsure. It all makes sense now — the shock of parenting caused me to regress into childhood insecurities.
Despite my feelings, I wanted to shield my son from as much intergenerational trauma as possible. That's why I went back to therapy two years ago when my son was 1. I did it so I could better understand where the shame came from. Mental illness is not always easy to recognize or manage at first, and it's vital to avoid putting pressure on yourself to be better straight away.
As life changes, it's helpful to find new coping mechanisms that suit your circumstances and state of mind better. Now, through therapy, I've found a new set of tools to help break the cycle so hopefully, he won't grow up ashamed as I did.
First, I practice self-compassion, which is essential for coping with the exhaustion of parenting. I also try to let go of difficult moments and reframe them as they are — a child growing up and learning how to behave in the world. And because I get easily overwhelmed, I try get as much rest as possible and ask for help from my partner when I need it.
In daily life, it is difficult to avoid feelings of embarrassment completely, as our culture sometimes feels judgmental and hostile, including to young parents. While many parents may feel shame in certain situations, I'm glad I sought out support, as I can now go anywhere with my son. Before, I was so afraid of certain scenarios, like him misbehaving in a museum or shop, that I felt restricted in where I could take him.
At its core, shame typically comes from the feeling that we are somehow bad inside, and it's still hard for me to believe that isn't the case. However, creating self-esteem is a lifelong process I can take time to build as my son grows up. It's easy to forget that raising a child is an impressive undertaking, and I never want to feel ashamed of such an amazing achievement.
