Her boss said coworkers didn't know how to handle her because she was too direct. She learned to balance her assertiveness with her politeness.
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Early on in my human resources career, my boss made a comment that stuck with me: "You're really direct, and many people aren't going to know how to handle you."
I felt numb. I knew that about myself, but what do I do with that critique? I mean, he was direct, too, and people figured out how to handle him. Why am I different? Was it really just because I'm a woman? The thought track, "Are you being so direct that they can't handle it? Will they think you're rude?" ran like ticker tape through my mind for years. It still runs through my mind in social situations, when coaching my clients, and even when writing this essay.
My boss wasn't the last person to give me this feedback. I heard it again in corporate meeting rooms and during training sessions from colleagues, direct reports, and future managers.
After years of working in human resources, I finally learned to view my directness as a competitive advantage in business. If I hadn't learned to blend direct communication with empathy and compassion, it might have developed into an approach that was detrimental to my career and relationships.
As an HR director, I used my "tell it like it is" style to communicate the good, bad, and ugly to the CEO regarding change and managing acquisitions. I also had to be honest with him about what decisions would not sit well with employees. My ability to remain unemotional during massive organizational transitions allowed me to counsel and encourage others through their anger, resistance, and tears.
My assertiveness became a strength for me, but I understood it was a turn-off for many. I didn't want to lose that strength by hiding it, so I eventually learned to develop situational savviness.
Being situationally savvy doesn't mean you abandon the unique quirks that make you — you. It means you are confident and flexible in your skills, approach, and tone while using your emotional intelligence to drive positive outcomes.
To do this, it's important to identify circumstances where this trait is beneficial. For instance, I can identify that my directness allows me to tackle hard challenges that many people shy away from. Next, I need to recognize scenarios where this trait can be harmful. In my case, being too direct with new acquaintances or colleagues can backfire and ignite negative reactions from those around me.
The key here is to identify situations where I can balance my directness with the politeness I developed to overcompensate for it. Instead of "hiding" my directness, I can practice both directness and politeness.
This tool can be applied to any trait you have been criticized for and the behavior you've developed to counter it. If you have been told you are too sensitive and you've worked to balance that with more objectiveness, situational savviness means assessing how to be both sensitive and objective. If you are "too assertive" and you've been building behaviors to temper it, you can focus on how to be both assertive and agreeable.
For example, among close friends and loved ones, I do not have to spend a lot of time figuring out how to tone down my directness. However, if I am presenting a training to new people, I will make an effort to balance my candidness with my values of love or respect. Instead of jumping straight into feedback, as I might with a trusted colleague, I will highlight the strengths and admirable qualities of their approach first.
For a long time, I believed that I had to "hide" my directness from people at work. Not only was this ineffective but it had dire consequences on my confidence and overall morale at work.
Luckily, I am now able to identify when I can fully embrace my directness and when I should tone it down.
Acquiring situational savviness allowed me to thrive in my career — initially as a corporate leader and now as an entrepreneur.
