Courtesy Katie Matthews
For over a decade, my husband was a remote independent contractor for a company doing home energy efficiency reports, and he racked up enough work that I helped out. During this time, we also started our family, so I worked part-time while doing the lion's share of the domestic duties and childrearing for our two kids, now ages 9 and 5.
It was simply how our roles shook out, and it worked for us. This was years before the pandemic, so the idea that we could both work from home while raising our family felt like a dream.
In many ways, it was. Until it wasn't.
The job followed the increasingly common story of going nowhere. We were hitched to one company, which didn't offer a single pay increase in 10 years, even as the work grew more and more involved. It was our sole source of income, but by the end, the money just wasn't adding up anymore. So, six months ago, we did what many others dream of doing. We quit the job with no backup plan.
I'm now working as a freelance writer, and I'm not earning a ton, but I'm finally doing what I've always wanted to do. My husband was so burned out by the time he quit that he's taking some time before going back to work. Now, he is in charge of the housework and kid duties.
It's not perfect, but it feels like we are breathing fresh air for the first time in years.
Before, we had fallen into that old trap of feeling like the other person wasn't doing as much as we were. We both envied the roles the other had.
But now that we have worn each other's shoes, we are kinder to each other. He tells me to make sure I unwind after I finish working before switching to "Mom mode," and I see and appreciate all that he is doing around the house and for the kids, knowing that it is just as hard.
The role reversal has also made us both realize how much pressure we've put on ourselves over the years. I see now how willing he is to lighten my load and wonder why I've felt I had to do the most while asking for the least. Additionally, it's only recently that I've understood the pressure he has expressed in holding the "breadwinner" title. I feel the same way now that I'm the one with the job, even temporarily.
Switching roles has expanded our mutual empathy, and we are a better team for it.
As refreshing as this time has been, I am also nervous about our future. Honestly, I thought he would be ready to go back to work by now. I don't make enough to make ends meet and we are pulling from our retirement savings to stay afloat. (PSA: You can withdraw your Roth IRA contributions penalty-free!)
Admittedly, I can feel resentful that I'm working while he isn't, especially when I've never had a clean break from work, not even when our babies were born. I would work at the computer while nursing our newborn and keeping an eye on the preschooler.
Even now, my invisible labor continues as he is on a learning curve in taking over the things I've been doing for years. Don't get me wrong, he's a perfectly capable human being and parent. But many of the tiny tasks that pile up when you have kids just haven't been on his radar until now.
Courtesy Katie Matthews
Of course, quitting a job is often not a viable option, and we have a lot of advantages that have afforded this privilege. For one thing, we lucked into affordable rental housing thanks to having access to a family-owned property. We also don't have debt, which allowed us to frontload our retirement accounts early on in our marriage while living below our means (which was much easier to do back in the early 2010s).
And while our job provided a sense of security, not having benefits tied to it made it easier to leave. We've always had to handle our own healthcare, retirement planning, and budget for unpaid time off, so that's nothing new.
Still, it took my husband getting to the end of his rope for us to begin to see other possibilities for making a living. I've dabbled in writing for years, but having the support I need to focus more time and energy on it has allowed me to make more progress in six months than in the previous five years.
My husband still isn't sure what he'll do next, but he's the most hopeful he's been in a long time. For him, it's freeing not to be pigeon-holed into a narrow career path or dependent on a benefits package. And since our financial planning has become a true hobby for him, we've even managed to see our savings grow over the past six months.
We still dream of owning a home and we have a family bucket list of trips and experiences we hope to have, but we are determined to pursue them while also prioritizing our well-being along the way. From now on, we will pay attention when a job or a role is wearing on us, and act a lot sooner to do something about it.
I think life needs recalibrating on occasion. As hard and scary as it can be, it also breathes new life into the tired roles we can get stuck in. For us, it's been worth it.
