Welcome to that exciting (or just nerve-wracking) time of year when many companies announce a flurry of promotions, effective January 1. If you were hoping for a step up on the org chart, only to grit your teeth and smile while congratulating a colleague who was chosen instead, this is the moment to think hard about where you stand —and whether it might be time to start looking for a bigger opportunity elsewhere.
Promotions are harder to come by than they used to be, as you may have noticed —partly because the Great Recession wiped out so many layers of management that there are fewer leadership slots available now. So the competition is tougher. Not only that, but even doing stellar work is not the guarantee of advancement it once was. “The days when you could let your excellent performance speak for itself are gone,” notes John Livesay. An executive sales coach and popular TEDx speaker, he adds, “No matter what business or role you’re in, it’s essential to sell yourself and your abilities. You need to get out of the friend zone.”
The what now? If you’ve ever had the crummy experience of trying to romance someone who sees you as nothing more than a pal, you know how frustrating it is. By Livesay’s lights, legions of loyal, talented, and hardworking employees are stuck in the the corporate equivalent of the friend zone: You’re already doing everything right, but you just can’t seem to get anywhere. In this case, a promotion.
There are three main warning signs you’re in the friend zone at work.
“If you ask why not, there’s usually some excuse like, ‘Oh, it was a last-minute thing and we didn’t want to bother you,’,” Livesay says. “Ninety-nine percent of the time, that’s bunk. The truth is, your input just wasn’t seen as essential.”
“Hardly anyone is getting big merit raises now, but there’s usually a range from 1% to 3% or even 4%,” notes Livesay. “If your 2019 raise is 1%, and your bonus is tiny or non-existent, you’re definitely in the friend zone.”
These days, missing out on one coveted promotion doesn’t necessarily signal anything about your long-term prospects—unless the role you wanted goes to someone hired from outside, and you’re assigned to train him or her in how to do the job. “I see this in companies all the time,” says Livesay. “What it usually means is, not only are you not getting promoted right now, but you’re seen as a great worker bee, not as a potential leader.” Gulp.
Still not sure whether you’re in that dreaded dead-end, the friend zone? Beware when “people say your ideas are ‘interesting’,” Livesay says, “and then they’re promptly forgotten. Even worse, have coworkers taken your thoughts and suggestions, added their own spin, and then claimed your ideas as their own?” This might happen more or less innocently, once in a while, without meaning much. If you notice a pattern, though, you might as well have FZ stamped clearly on your forehead.
The first step out of the friend zone is a conversation with your boss about how he or she sees your future. Don’t dwell on the disappointment of not getting promoted this time around, but focus instead on what skills are required at the next level up that you may not have developed yet. Ask for an honest appraisal of what kind of additional experience and training you might need, and advice on how to start getting it. So many employers now are intent on helping employees learn and develop that, if your company isn’t one of them, you might consider moving to one that is. “If finding a new job elsewhere is the only way to get new skills,” says Livesay, “it’s time to leave.”
In the current great job market, with so much hiring going on, that’s easier to do than it may be, say, a year from now. Still, especially if you’re otherwise pretty happy where you are, Livesay doesn’t recommend quitting in a fit of pique over one missed promotion. The sole exception: a broken promise. Thinking you’re qualified for a bigger role and having been promised it are two entirely different animals. In the latter case, “it’s definitely time to start job hunting,” he says. “Once trust is destroyed, in any relationship, it’s time to move on.” Indeed.
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