Cheers and Jeers: Monday

From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…

The Week Ahead:

​Monday Palpable excitement in D.C. today as House Homeland Security Committee chairman Michael McCaul (R-TX) delivers the first-ever State of Homeland Security Address to "outline America’s role in winning the war against Islamist terror." Later in the day, every defense industry CEO calls their doctor to report an erection lasting longer than four hours.

Good news: the "Jeb Can Fix It" campaign finally lives up to its name by fixing something.  Bad news: it's just an intern WD-40’ing a squeaky door hinge.

Tuesday Democratic candidate Bernie Sanders meets with African-American civic and religious leaders in Baltimore. Republican candidates…don't.

Controversy erupts at the Paris climate talks as a reporter discovers that the swag bags given out to delegates include a coupon good for 20 percent off the purchase of an escape pod.

Wednesday Today is International Anti-Corruption Day. Or, if you pay us enough under the table, it's not.

Donald Trump runs through the streets naked calling everyone he sees an illegal ISIS-supporting terror rapist, stopping briefly to pee on a mosque and hump an open-carrier’s AR15. His approval rating among Republican primary voters goes up ten points.

Thursday Today is International Human Rights Day. As usual, plenty of humans, not enough rights.

Unless Congress takes decisive action, today's the day America runs out of money. In other words, today's the day America runs out of money.

Friday  Today is International Today Is International Nothing Day.

The University of Michigan's consumer sentiment index shows a healthy bump from "nonchalant" to "holly jolly."

Plus the usual daily acts of gun violence involving multiple victims, which will be dealt with swiftly by Republicans with a barrage of thoughts-and-prayers tweets.

Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]