Live Report From Hell: Women Who Supported Bernie Sanders Having a Great Time
"At first, I was afraid to cast my vote for Bernie because, you know, all that stuff about fire and brimstone and constant torment and such," said Marsha Hallabeecke, while sipping a banana daiquiri and receiving a massage as Jimi Hendrix, Elvis Presley and Kurt Cobain performed an impromptu concert on her private island. "But, wow-weee, if this is my punishment for not supporting women, I'm ready to really feel the Bern for all eternity!"
By contrast, female voters who wanted to vote for Bernie Sanders but were pressured or guilted into voting for Hillary Clinton were sent to a Special Place Adjacent to a Special Place in Hell, where they were forced to drink gallons of Mountain Dew Kickstart and watch Dirty Grandpa and Super Bowl 50 on an endless loop.
"This isn't fair!" complained Cathleen Tarstottle. "I supported another woman just like me and she only got thirty-eight percent! Where's my reward? Oh, God -- it's the half-time show again! Make it stop! Make it stop!"
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